Loveless

Chapter Four

What does that mean? I don't think he's ever said he loves me. I don't respond, I don't even breathe. I just stare into his eyes. Do I say it back? What the fuck. He's searching my face for a reaction; I probably look like I've just seen a ghost.

"I..." Is all I can get out. He knows I love him. I'd love to know what kind of love he means. Straight. He's straight. It's platonic, I'm sure.

"I love you." He repeats. What? Am I making this up? He has to be teasing me. But he looks so genuine, he looks so perfect.

"I love you too..." I say quietly. I can't move, or breathe, or blink. I don't even think I could cry if I wanted to.

A tear falls from his eye, and I wipe it away with my thumb. It looks like he could break any second. I smile at him and sigh. There's so much tension, but for some reason I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

"Toby?" I wish I knew what to do in this situation.

"Oli?" I beg for an answer, or any sort of indication of what he wants me to do right now.

His breath stops for half a second, and his mouth drops open. I stare at his lips, expecting him to say something but he doesn't. He just sits there, mouth open, breath shaking. I'm so confused.

"I..." He says, attempting to speak, but nothing comes out. I just stare. Is there anything I can do in this situation?

"Are you okay?" I ask, he looks like he might pass out.

"Yeah. I just... Yeah." He looks down at his lap, and I let go of his face.

"Words are hard." I laugh, knowing I've been in his position a million times. I wish I could help him form a sentence.

"I'm sorry." He pleads, though I have no idea what he's apologizing for.

"You have no reason to be sorry." I say calmly.

"No, I do. I'm sorry I didn't realize sooner." He says quietly.

"I wish I knew what you were talking about." I say shyly. I know he can be oblivious, but I think I'm worse.

"Toby, I love you. That's what I'm talking about."

"I know, I love you too. We've been best friends for a while, I think our love was established long before we said it." I say, smiling. He just shakes his head.

"No, you're not getting it." He's basically whispering at this point. I think he's confessing his love for me, like romantically, but he's straight. So? I don't really know what's going on.

"I'm sorry." I say looking down. He moves closer to me, our knees now touching.

"Why are you sorry?" He asks, excitedly. Today has been so exhausting, I'm just so confused. Why does he seem giddy right now when just moments ago he was sobbing?

"I'm confused? Maybe I'm just tired from today but I just really don't know what's going on." I say, looking down. I start to pick at my thumbs with my nails.

"Do you need me to spell it out?" He offers. Usually this sentence is backhanded, but never with Oli. He means it when he says he wants to explain something so that I can understand.

"Yes, please." I whisper. This is so humiliating.

"I love you." He repeats. Wow, insightful.

"Yeah, you said that. I love you too." I say looking up at him. He places a hand on my cheek, and I lean into the warmth.

"I love you, like a lot. More than I knew. When you told me that... When you told me a year ago, I didn't realize how I felt. I was confused." He takes a breath, and traces his thumb on my cheek. He has tears in his eyes again, though he's smiling. My heart is pounding faster than ever.

"Oh... I see." I say, not sure how else to react. He knows what I want to say, even though I can't find the words. I place my hand on his and smile.

He leans in slowly, and I can feel my hand shaking again. I can feel his breath against my lips, though he has stopped an inch away from me. He's trembling, and for once I can see that he's just as nervous as I am.

"Is this okay?" He asks, and all I can do is nod my head. I part my lips slightly and close the space between us. Our lips fit perfectly together, and we move in sync. He's running his hand through my hair, and I get chills all the way across my body.

I wish I could take a photo of this moment and remember it forever. Even if it's the last time we're ever in this situation, it means more than anything.

I wrap my arm around his waist and pull him closer to me. I can feel his smile against my lips, and for the first time in years I feel whole. I'm no longer shaking, I'm running my hands along his waist, moving them to the back of his neck, then finally running them through his hair.

I finally break the kiss, not because I wanted to, but because I need to figure out my thoughts. I keep my eyes closed and lean my forehead against his. We sit quietly like this for a few moments, breathing heavily trying to collect our composure.

"You... don't know how long I've wanted to do that." He says, finally breaking our silence. I can't help but laugh; does he really think I don't understand it?

"Yeah, me too..." I say quietly. I pull my forehead away from his so that I can see him properly. "Why now?" I ask, still just as confused as before but now feeling adrenaline run through my entire body.

"I just spent so long trying to figure out why I felt differently about you. I thought it was because you're my best friend but... That wasn't it." He says, looking into his lap.

"That's understandable." I say calmly.

"And then I thought you maybe had gotten over me, you know, because you always had crushes on people." My heart breaks for him, and I lay flat on his bed and look at the ceiling.

"I never liked them. I was looking for a way to get over you, but it never worked. I just didn't want to chase you away..." I trail off.

"You could never chase me away." He says, placing a hand on my leg. I look up at him, and he smiles down at me. That Oliver smile. God I love his smile.

I don't really know what this means for us, but I wouldn't dare to ask either. I don't want this moment to change. He lays down next to me; his breath is finally steady and he's just smiling. He looks so perfect.

I roll over and lay my head on his chest, and he wraps his arms around me. His heart is beating so fast, I can't help but laugh.

"What?" He asks smiling.

"Nothing." I say teasingly.

"What are you laughing about?"

"Your heart, it's beating so fast. Do I make you nervous." I ask and his face turns red. He tries to cover it with his hands, but is unsuccessful. "It's cute." I say, making him even more red.

"Shut up." He says laughing. We don't talk for a few moments, and I listen to his even breaths. I wish I could figure out what he's thinking. I'm sure he's confused, or freaking out. Maybe he's happy. I'm happy.

"Oli?" I say quietly.

"Yeah?" He responds.

"Are you alright?" I ask, genuine concern in my voice.

"Yeah, I think so. I feel... Relieved." He says, smiling. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah... Better than normal I think." I say honestly.

"Good." He says quietly.

"Yeah." I'm at a loss for words again. I think it's okay to be speechless right now, it feels appropriate.