Craaven

Chapter 28: Mortemville, Montana 1986 June 2nd

STRONG TW: ATTEMPTED S**CIDE!! DO NOT READ IF YOU'RE SENSITIVE TO THIS SUBJECT AS IT GOES INTO MILD DETAIL. A RECAP WILL BE IN THE NEXT CHAPTER IF YOU WISH TO SKIP

I stared blankly at the tiled floor in front of me. I was so zoned out that I felt as if I wasn't sitting there on the edge of the bathroom tub, to begin with. I felt as if I were watching myself sit here and I was the one urging myself to do something. I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't be bothered to do anything at the moment.

My arms were stinging unbearably and the blood that seeped from the many jagged wounds was warm against my cold skin. I was barely holding onto the razor blade in my fingertips and it threatened to fall out of my hand if I made even the slightest movement. The stinging was comforting in a way; like an old friend, almost, and it felt nice to feel the pain on the outside rather than deep inside.

It was fuzzy how I came to be in the bathroom in such a state. I forgot what decisions I made or things I did to cause me to be here. All I knew was that my mum started my spiral downward. I knew it was going to happen. I knew it was inevitable. Yet, I still let it destroy me.

She was dead... her heart simply gave out in the middle of the night and she died in her sleep. I got the phone call a day after it happened and, since then, my life became an indecipherable blur of vague images that were memories and some small segments of people's voices. I'm sure it seemed as if I was there but I wasn't. I let my mother's death consume me and I was constantly reminded that I was alone and that I would forever cause people in my life to die.

I just want it all to be over...

I'm so tired of being in so much pain...

A wave of unbearable nausea and dizziness hit me suddenly and before I could attempt to subside it, I slid off the bathtub and hunched over the toilet to expel the contents of my stomach. Despite the unbearable pain of gagging and heaving, barely anything left me. My eyes watered from the effort and the back of my throat burned. I felt cheated that no relief came and I stayed hunched over the toilet, hoping there would be more.

The dizziness was overpowering me and making me too weak to move. I was struggling to keep my eyelids open even though I desperately wanted to close them. I was scared to let them close. I was afraid I would succeed.

This was a mistake... I shouldn't have done this...

My weakness eventually caused me to fall to the ground but in my dizzied state, I barely noticed. Breathing felt like a chore suddenly and at that moment, I knew I was going to get that relief I've always been wanting. My eyes continued to water and warp my vision as the agonising pain in my stomach never ceased.

Above me on the edge of the sink, the empty pill bottle sat, taunting me for my mistake and watching me die slowly. It was the only thing that was clear for me to see and I stared back at it, unable to look away as if some force was forcing me to pay for what I'd done.

However, before I became too weak to keep my eyes open and keep breathing, a shape crossed my blurred vision. Sound reached my ears and I registered it as voices despite not being able to hear them clearly. The pill bottle disappeared from my sight as the shapes in colours around me began to change and the moving shape in front of me slowly became two separate shapes. I thought I was seeing spirits who were waiting for me to join them on the other side and I wanted to join them already to get rid of this pain.

I became vaguely aware of something in my mouth but before I could process what it was, my stomach wrenched painfully and once again, I was hurling my insides onto the floor in front of me. The feeling was strange and unpleasant; however, slowly but surely, things were sounding clearer, and I could begin to hear the panicked voices of the Lockwoods.

They called my name frantically and ordered each other to do something to get me to come to. I could hear their muffled voices and I wanted to tell them to save me so badly but I was too weak.

A new sound reached my ears much clearer than the Lockwoods voices and that sound was unmistakably wailing. High-pitched crying as the source of the pained wail laid eyes on my condition. It was undeniably Max...

No no no no no no, please no! Not Max!

His parents ordered him to go away but in his fear, he didn't move and continued to stand in the doorway. Internally, I was begging him to leave as well. I knew without a doubt that if I didn't survive, he would grow up with the image of my mangled body in his mind. I didn't want that... I didn't want to leave him like that, he didn't deserve that.

The constant hum of panicked voices continued but all I could hear clearly was Max's crying. I already knew I had made a mistake doing this but Max's terrified wailing made the reality of what I had done sink even deeper and left me with a terrible sinking feeling in my gut. I wanted to get up to comfort him so badly but all I could do instead was let the tears in my eyes drift down my cheeks.

The shapes of the Lockwoods continued to move in and out of my view and their panicked tones never once ceased. I was growing tired again and my eyes were slowly drifting closed. I fought to keep them open even for just a little longer but in those few seconds, it seemed like the most challenging task I've ever had to do.

I began to hear more voices, voices I didn't recognise and they urgently called for me to give them some sign that I was still there. I didn't know how I could possibly answer them, I had lost control of my own body and I was but a figment in my own mind, watching everything happen and not being able to do anything about it.

As I struggled to stay awake, my surroundings were changing right before my eyes. The many colours and shapes distorted and grew darker and then lighter and then they blinked with different bright colours. I didn't know what was going on, but all I knew was that I just wanted to stay alive.

I eventually recognised the unfamiliar figures and voices as EMTs and the bright lights that blinded me must've been the inside of an ambulance. A small amount of relief filled me, knowing I still might have a chance but there was still that crippling fear that they would fail and it would be too late.

My mind once again went foggy for a while and it became hard to figure out what was happening. Everything was a never-ending blur, it seemed, and it was the most vibrant light show I had ever seen.

Everything began changing before my eyes once again before suddenly the only thing I could see was white and nothing else. The lights blinded me but I didn't want to close my eyes out of fear that I wouldn't wake up. I had never been more terrified in my life and I wanted nothing else but to feel the comfort and warmth that Daniel had always provided. I wanted one of his hugs more than anything and Max's cries still echoed in the back of my mind, reminding me that if I gave up, I'd be losing the last bit of family I have left. I didn't want that.

Please don't let me die... I'm not ready... please...

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