Craaven

Chapter 29: Mortemville, Montana 1986 June 17th

Recap for the previous chapter: Edgar's mom passed away in her sleep and, unable to cope with her death, he attempts. He survives, luckily and is hospitalised for a few weeks.

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I was finally released from the psych ward today and... well... I never thought I'd say this but it feels good to be back. After several days in the hospital and then several more days in a different part of the hospital, surrounded by like-minded individuals, I was absolutely exhausted. I never realised how much I hated group therapy until then.

I couldn't write out my frustrations sooner because I wasn't allowed to have any pencils or pens, and if I did need a pen, I had a nurse hovering over my shoulder to make sure I wouldn't try to hurt myself or write something concerning. It was annoying, I never got any peace and quiet. I was already rattled and traumatised from my incident, I didn't need any more reminders that I had tried to commit and failed.

When I was finally home, it felt different. There was an atmosphere to the place that seemed more solemn than it should've been. It was sad inside the house and I found myself standing in the foyer for a moment to really take in and process everything that had happened. The bandages on my arms seemed more bothersome than usual and I was consciously aware of them at all times. In that instant, I never hated myself more.

Daniel stood with me and rubbed my back comfortingly to help me and I appreciated the gesture, but it couldn't really get rid of my emotions at that moment. I hated myself for what I tried to do. I hated myself for everything I had ever done because I was too oblivious to my problems and didn't know how to properly cope. I hated myself so much...

I tried to lighten my mood only when Max came running to me, calling my name and practically sobbing from the sheer joy he felt from seeing me alive and "normal". He hugged me tightly around the waist and refused to let go and, not wanting to push him away after all he'd gone through, I knelt down and hugged him back.

"Hey, Max, it's okay. I'm alright," I assured him gently.

"I was scared you died... and that's why- that's why you didn't come back..." he whimpered into my shoulder and I felt my heart pang painfully in my chest. I pulled him away from me to look at him and he gazed back with a hint of fear still lingering in his eyes.

"I'm gonna be okay. I just had a bit of an accident but I'm all better now," I explained as gently as I possibly could. Max nodded and hugged me again; I couldn't even begin to imagine how confused and scared he must've been and that thought scared me. He was so young, I can't imagine what it's like seeing your older brother one day being as normal as he usually is and then that very same night, you're awoken by screaming and you find that same brother laying on the bathroom floor, covered in blood and vomit and being unresponsive while your parents are screaming and trying to wake him up. It hurts to think that I would've been the cause of Max's future trauma if I had succeeded that night.

We all had lunch together and I was quiet unless Daniel or Lucy asked me a question about how my experience in the psych ward was. Neither one of them brought up that night for obvious reasons; Max was sitting with us and I'm sure both of them knew that the incident was still fresh and hard to talk about. It was hard to talk about. I couldn't even think about it without feeling a sickening feeling in my gut. Everything about the experience was Hell from start to finish.

Daniel eventually mentioned that he had phoned Terrance to inform him I wouldn't be attending our scheduled appointment and he admitted to telling him what had happened with as little detail as possible so he was aware of the situation. I didn't mind that too much; despite knowing that Terrance was probably even more stressed out about everything knowing what I did. He would've found out anyway because it would've been in the records that I had received treatment for psychiatric help.