Craaven

Chapter 19: Mortemville, Montana 1983 October 31st

I haven't written in a while because things have been quite overwhelming and hectic. It was one event after another and frankly, it was hard to keep writing so I just gave up for a while. Just recently, about a month ago, we moved back into the newly-renovated asylum and I was finally able to say a much-appreciated "good riddance" to Daniel's incessant family. It felt nice not being nagged every day about the way I act or how I dress. I felt free and like I didn't belong to anyone again and it was relieving.

The only company I gladly accepted was that of my friends, especially Sarah. The late nights where we would all go on a random adventure and act like kids were much appreciated. Those moments were what kept me sane while everything was chaotic with the Lockwoods. Sarah knew everything that happened because I would always rant about it to her and as a way to make me feel better, she would always drag me into bed with her and we would spend several hours cuddling or making out and occasionally pleasuring one another. It would always make me feel better no matter what I was previously venting about.

She was also the first person I told about moving into the asylum- of course, I didn't refer to it as an asylum, I called it a mansion to impress her- and she was happy for me although a little bummed that I would be further away. I only assured her that I would still be visiting just as often as before and that was the end of that discussion.

I don't really like how the asylum looks. I don't know whose idea it was (probably Lucy's) to paint the place bright pale pink, but it contrasts against the autumn forest that surrounds it and it's frankly, more of an eyesore than when it was abandoned. The interior isn't much different. The walls are a pale peach and the carpets are mostly dark burgundy; any hard flooring that exists is either ivory tile or dark wood and I don't think I like it. It's just too much, in my opinion. I thought the place would be a little more modern but the place feels like it's stuck back in the 30s.

When I chose my bedroom, I made an effort to make it seem less pink and more green. There wasn't much I could do, since I didn't have very many possessions but I made it work and told myself I could always do more in the future.

I didn't realise how quickly I had pushed Ally out of my mind until we moved back into the asylum and all the memories came flooding back to me. Every single vivid flashback I experienced practically knocked me off my feet and kept me isolated in my room for hours on end. The thought of living here slowly became more and more unbearable. I don't understand how the Lockwoods are so unbothered. Hell, even Daniel, who said so himself the memories haunt him as well, doesn't seem bothered by how weird it is to be living here.

I don't know exactly how to explain my emotions regarding the crematorium itself. It's still there. The door had been walled over and decorative paintings now hid the ugliness behind it but... the room was still there. I only know this because, while flying around outside to clear my head, I saw the window to the room and I was able to peer in and see everything. Everything was left where it was and nothing had been moved out of place at all.

I have nightmares about the room continuously. I've tried finding ways to get rid of them but nothing works. It didn't take long for Daniel to notice how tired I was all the time but when he asked, I would only shrug and avoid the question. I'm sure he wants to move on from the incident as well, and he's doing a better job at it than I am so I don't want to talk about it. Both because I didn't want to bring up those memories from the grave and also because I don't want Lucy overhearing and yelling at me.

I will admit, it's getting really hard to deal with everything. I don't know how to make myself feel better except by smoking but even then, when I come down from the high, I'm left feeling empty inside again. I do my best to seem like I'm okay so I don't accidentally act out again and risk getting kicked out. I became frightfully aware of that possibility when I snapped at Lucy previously about not wanting to babysit Max while she shops for ugly dresses that only grandmothers wear. She threatened to give me the boot and added, "Danny's family isn't around anymore, we don't need to keep up appearances."