Love's Paradox

Chapter 16: He's Like A Drug

I sleep like the dead. I'm pretty sure aliens could have landed, invaded Earth, and killed off most of the human population, and I would have slept through it. However, I wake because I have to pee, and that is one thing that will always force me out of bed.

Parker is still dead to the world, so I quietly sneak out of the room. Instead of using the master bath, I head down the hall to grab my toiletry bag. It's a good thing I do, because as soon as I turn on the hall bathroom light, my eyes bulge at the sight.

My hair is reminiscent of Medusa, my makeup is smeared around my hazel eyes, and my body is covered in bruises. The bandage right beneath my left butt cheek where I'd skidded on the pavement is barely hanging on. I didn't even feel any pain last night with Parker. Hell, I even forgot about my stitches. Bruises color my ribs, my arms, and my thighs from my tumble yesterday.

I rummage through his cabinets until I find a towel, then I flip on the shower and wait for the water to warm. I'll have to ask Parker to help me bandage my leg later.

As I step under the scorching spray of water, last night's events roar to the surface. I've only ever had sex with two people previously, and one was during my self-hating phase right after I ended things with Ian. But Parker makes me feel different. Like I deserve to be treated with care and devotion. The things he did to me, the way he made my toes curl . . . but more than anything, it was what he said after hours of bliss that has my heart leaping for joy.

He'd asked, "You know I'd never hit you or hurt you like he did, right?"

I wanted to believe it was true, but I'm still too scarred and broken to fully trust a man.

My silence must have unnerved him, because he reached over me and flipped on the lamp next to the bed. "Rae, you know that, right?"

"Ian and I were together for years before he went crazy on me," I said quietly, not able to look at him. "We had many good years, and we loved each other. I never thought he could do the things he did to me until it happened. Even when I felt like a prisoner in my own home, I was in a state of denial. As much as I want to trust you, it just isn't possible because I don't even trust myself to make a sound judgment."

Parker hauled me closer to him under the covers, then forced me to look at him. "You should trust your instincts. Things with Ass Face were a mistake. But now I understand why you basically told me to get lost when I met you at Loretta's."

"Basically?" I scoffed playfully. "I did."

He ignored my attempt to dismiss the conversation. "You seemed to relax, though, after I told you why I punched him. You trusted your instincts."

I wanted to look away, but he cupped my chin so I had to meet his eyes. "I don't want you to fear me. Not ever. My way of dealing with people who anger me is to walk away, but ever since Carlson abused and murdered Janie, I've been known to snap when others remind me of him. However," he said, emphasizing the word, "I would never, ever take out my anger on you. When I think about what Ian did to you, I want to go back in time and save you from him. No one deserves that." He paused, considering. "Well, maybe Carlson." He released my face and shook his head. "Gah! I'm not saying any of this right."

I was speechless at his declaration and hated that I had no words for him.

"I guess what I'm trying to say," Parker said after a moment, "is that I won't ever hurt you like he did. I don't want you to run away from me after tonight. That's what's really bothering me, I suppose." This time he glanced away. "I'm afraid I'll lose you before I have a chance to prove myself."

"Hey," I said softly. "I'm not running away. Yes, I'm terrified because of the way you make me feel, and I'm afraid you could hurt me irrevocably, but I'm here, aren't I?"