Love's Paradox

Chapter 32: A Rae of Fucking Sunshine

Driving home is a test in my ability to maneuver in traffic with blurred vision while convulsing in hiccupping sobs. I'm ashamed to say I can't exactly remember how I arrived home, just that I did. I sit in my car for what feels like an eternity, holding the steering wheel and blankly staring forward at the black door to my apartment. A frenzied coalescence of turmoil and helplessness rage inside me, a storm rotating faster and faster. Needy. Tearing at my insides.

I can't do this, he said. Not again.

I'm instantly paralyzed with fear.

Then I feel nothing but the yawning chasm inside me, the hollow place in my chest, the void widening and expanding into my soul.

Parker's just upset, I tell myself. He'll get over this.

Denial. Refusal to see the facts before my eyes, which is something I'm used to. This time, though, I do it to save my sanity, not to protect an abusive asshole.

Hunter must have heard when I pulled up, because when I don't enter after several minutes, he appears at my side.

"Rae?" My name is a worried plea as Hunter's eyes scan the surrounding area. When he realizes there's no external threat, he squats beside me. "Why aren't you at work?"

"We had a fight," I say.

"With Parker?" His voice is bewildered, his eyebrows furrowed.

I nod.

Hunter sighs and reaches over to unbuckle my seatbelt and turn off the ignition. "Come on. You can tell me about it inside."

We sit on the couch in suffocating silence. There are no more tears to shed; I'm floating on a blissful cloud of denial and devouring a carton of butter pecan ice cream.

Hunter brushes my hair from my face, startling me. "What happened?"

I inhale a steadying breath, then tell him everything in a rush of words.

Hunter makes a humming noise when I finish, though he doesn't say anything.

"I don't know what to do," I cry. "Tell me what to do."

Hunter rubs at his neck, frowning and glaring at the floor. "Honestly, I don't know. Did you tell him about the rose?"

"No." And I didn't tell Hunter about the note left in my car either.

"I see why he'd be upset, especially since he doesn't know that Ian's penchants for brutality toward you will likely escalate. Remember: this is about you, not him. Being granted a restraining order might feel like protection, but it's only a piece of paper and a call to 911."

"Parker doesn't see it that way." I check my phone, hoping for a text or voicemail from him.

"Maybe you should tell him about the rose."

I shift uncomfortably, trying to decide whether or not to tell Hunter about the note.

"He has to let you make your own decisions and be your own person. If he's going to start getting all possessive now, maybe you should reconsider dating him. You've already dealt with one guy like that, and see what happened there?"

"I know, but I can't hold this against him. He lost his sister, for fuck's sake. He's more emotionally involved because of that; I can't get upset with him for projecting his guilty conscience on me and my situation."

"Regardless, he shouldn't be using it as an excuse to boss you around, either," he says. "Have you thought about calling him?"

"Yes, but he's never tried to force me into a decision I didn't want to make until now. It's something Ian would've done if the roles were reversed. I don't want Parker to think I'm needy or that I'm bendy."