Tribulation [h.s]

46

"Oh, I wish that my mouth didn't smile when I think of you
But you left me with the good stuff, babe
And I know that it's a crying shame
It's a million times harder when I don't hate you."

-

"Somewhere over the rainbow, where bluebirds fly, way up high," my gentle singing fills the room in the most soothing melody I can manage. My voice carries off in ducelet tones as I recall the hymn my father used to hum to me all those years ago. I run my fingers through Maggie's now short hair, letting the tips of my finger massage her head. She had been suffering from a headache from all the crying, so I wrapped her up in her favorite blanket and carried her off to bed after fixing her hair. Now, she's resting on my chest, nodding off to sleep that she desperately needs. "There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby."

She wrinkles her nose with closed eyes when some strands of her hair fall forward to cover her face. I smile to myself and brush the baby hairs behind her ear. "Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue, and the dream that you dare to dream really do come true."

It's almost sad how she clings to me, even in sleep. What's more painful is that she'll be all grown up one day. One day, she'll leave and set out to begin her adult life, and the soft melodies that my father sang to me and that I sang to her will walk out the door with her. "Someday, I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me, where troubles melt like lemon drops away above the chimney tops that's where you'll find me."

And even if this song lulls her to sleep, it won't ever erase what she has experienced in the last two days. She's traumatized, and I can feel it in the way she clings to me. "Somewhere over the rainbow, Bluebirds fly." So, until she decides to leave me and enter the world, I will savor each moment, for every moment spent with her makes me feel at home like nothing else can. "Birds fly over the rainbow."

I begin to let my voice fade into nothingness when she takes a deep breath, and her body finally eases. Her grip on my shirt loosens, and her breathing becomes much more soothing and untroubled. "Why then, oh, why can't I?"

I shift slowly, careful not to wake her up as I slide out of her bed. "Love you, Mags," I murmur before kissing her forehead. I make sure her night light is on before tiptoeing over to her door. I can't help but gaze at her once more before stepping out of her room completely, leaving her door cracked open just a bit.

Sighing with heavy-lidded eyes, I make my way to the living room, where I find Harry sitting on my couch. Much to my surprise, little Cheddar is purring in Harry's lap as he scratches a spot behind the cat's ears.

When I approach Harry, Cheddar notices me first and meows at me. I kneel before Harry, so I'm eye height with the little orange menace. I pat and kiss the kitten before looking up at Harry. Smiling faintly, I grab Harry's hand and tug him to stand. "C'mon," I urged in a soft and tired tone.

Cheddar jumps off Harry's lap and prances down the hall. If he's going to cuddle with Maggie, I hope he doesn't wake her up.

"What is it?" Harry doesn't resist me as I walk him to my bathroom with his hand in mine.

I'm far too tired to talk, so I don't respond as I push the bathroom door open. When he sits in the chair I brought to the bathroom, I dig around in the sink vanity drawers and pull out my shears and comb. I had set up this little station about two hours ago when I cut Maggie's hair before laying her down for bed.

Now, I'm going to do Harry's hair. "I'm fixing your hair," I tell him with a yawn.

"What? Fuck no-" he chokes on his words after he sees my pointed look when he speaks too loud. There's a six-year-old sleeping in the room over, and I don't feel like dealing with a grumpy Maggie right now. Much quieter this time, he continues. "I'm not letting you ruin my hair more than it already is."