Twelve Lies I Told Shingen Takeda

Chapter 28: Bad Timing

The sound of the rain muffled the outside, making it feel like the world was limited to this small, dark space. Limited to simply the two of us. I leaned into Shingen's side, still shivering from the onslaught of memories.

"Cold?" He rubbed my back.

"It's the cave. I don't like... it's a long story." One I didn't feel prepared to tell at the moment.

"From what your murderous friend stated the other night, I gather you were locked in a box and left for dead -or worse?" So, Shingen had been paying attention to Iekane's moustache twirling. He never had had any trouble putting bits of information together.

"I was in there long enough that that itself became the 'or worse'." My hand tightened on his – he was the lifeline preventing me from reliving it.

"I'm sorry. This is probably the wrong time, the wrong place, to talk about it." He leaned away, then I heard something being dragged across the ground, and that clinking noise again. He handed me a bottle. Oh right, the trader had given him some sake. "Would this help?"

"You'd think so, but I found out the hard way that it makes all those memories more intense." Even a little alcohol aggravated my insomnia – more generally brought on flashbacks like the one I'd just experienced. I was not up for testing my limits tonight. But I understood that he had a need to do something for me, so I asked, "Is there's any food left?"

He took the bottle back, settled it somewhere out of reach. "Some, yes. Will you be alright for a moment while I try to find it?"

"Of course." Actually, I did not want to let go of his hand, but there was no way I would admit that to him.

His warmth left my side, but it was only a moment, as promised, before he returned, not just with the rest of the food, but with the other fur. He put his arm back around me and pulled the furs over top both of us. He handed me a rice cake, and I took a bite. It was about as cozy as you could get – in the middle of a scene from my worst nightmare. My evening had turned into a strange Sengoku version of Netflix and chill, except, dry rice instead of popcorn, a cave wall instead of a couch, a flashback instead of Netflix... and no chill because I had burned that bridge when I lied to him.

I owed him more than I could ever repay, especially after the way I had treated him.

"Thank you for – everything," I said. For helping me through a panic attack, for the companionship, for fishing me out of the river... for being kind when he had every reason to despise me. "And I'm sorry for-"

He didn't let me finish, choosing instead to go for a joke. "For making my heart stop when you fell out of the tree?" His arm tightened around me, pulling me close. I could feel his heart beating fierce and strong, but he was holding me as if he didn't want to let go – and I wondered if it had been a joke after all.

"I didn't fall, but yes, I'm sorry that scared you." I knew, though, that I had to get to the bigger reparation. He didn't deserve to continue thinking that I ran away because he'd scared me. "I'm sorry that I ran, that I made you believe you were forcing yourself on me. That I made you think you were frightening me. What I was afraid of wasn't you, it was..." I trailed off, even at that moment, unable to find the words for what I was afraid of. "You didn't force me. I wasn't unwilling... I just didn't want to be willing."

Could he untangle that mess of an apology? I wasn't even sure I could.

He pulled me onto his lap and wrapped his arms around me. I knew without asking that he meant to comfort, not seduce. My apology had given him the confidence to hold me without any further worry that I would misinterpret his motive. "Are you saying that you want me, but don't want to want me?"