Twelve Lies I Told Shingen Takeda

Chapter Forty - The Twelfth Lie

On a beautiful Autumn day, an unusual caravan set off from Kasugayama toward Kyoto. Sasuke was being escorted to Honno-ji by Kenshin, Yukimura, and Mai, all of whom wanted a few more days with their friend before he blipped off into the future for a few months. Shingen and I travelled with them, because Kyoto was along the way to Ikuno, where Toshiie was, at last report, living as healer.

At least, that is what we claimed our plans were.

Four of us were lying.

The weather was perfect, the kind of day I would normally have loved riding through, but the preemptive guilt about what the four of us were about to do weighed on me. I had told many lies in my life, most justifiable – although others may not agree with my justifications. Even though I knew the lie I was currently living was for a good cause, I was pretty sure the person who would be most affected by it would not agree.

"You've been quiet these past couple days." Shingen drew Good Horse up to Moonlight's side. Moonlight hadn't had much exercise of late, and shot a glare at Good Horse, just because she was in a mood. I patted her side, and mentally willed her to behave.

"I'm quiet a lot of days." Although usually when I was alone. But to forestall additional questions, I added a burst of inane chatter – apparently my "tell" that I was being truthful. "I'm listening to the day. I love the sound the leaves make this time of year. They crunch underfoot. Under hoof. I also love the way they rattle when the wind blows."

He turned his face into the breeze, and I took a moment to appreciate his profile as his hair ruffled about. "I forget sometimes, what it can be like to taking what amounts to a pleasure ride." Was he stockpiling experiences? Having decided to risk postponing treatment, was he saving up memories to keep if there came a time when he'd be too ill to go outside?

I forced my attention back to the present - if I kept dwelling on that thought, he was sure to stay suspicious of my behavior. "It's what I liked the most about being a courier. Getting to spend a lot of time outside." When the weather was nice, anyway. Or at least, dry. "Especially after... well, I always liked being outside, all my life, but I did appreciate it more after being trapped in that crate."

Shingen brought Good Horse closer, then reached over and ran the back of his hand across my face – a touch so fleeting, it was almost a whisper. "I imagine so. A close brush with death tends to heighten one's appreciation of... everything."

He smiled at me, then turned to face the path again. We rode for a while in companionable silence. I took a few deep breaths and focused on the fact that he was with me now, and not on the separation to come.

***

"I can't stand much more of this," I said to Sasuke the following day. If the weather held, we'd likely arrive in Kyoto the next afternoon, but after three days of trying to pretend that everything was ok, my nerves were on edge.

Sasuke looked ahead, where Shingen was in the middle of an intense debate with Kenshin. He didn't pretend to misunderstand me. "It's difficult for me too – modern medical ethics being what they are. Yuki and Kenshin are different – well, Kenshin decides what's best and kills you if you disagree. Yuki can't stand the thought of losing Shingen."

"He might... we might anyway." I was not used to feeling this conflicted. Normally I figured out what I needed to do and did it, by whatever means necessary. I always told myself that anyone who was hurt by my actions would have been worse off if I had done nothing... but now I was second guessing everything. "It feels like whatever I do, it's going to be the wrong decision."