Invalid nonsense

As the flag drops.

Death row <3

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Feet barely touch the ground as I trail behind those whose smiles lighten up the grey path lining the floor beneath me. Taking a single step, foot wrapped in converse, socks void of colour. Laces drag on the floorboards, weighing down my feet as they float softly towards my seat. There is nothing but the emptiness of colour that everyone seems to rave about without realising. The sky, outside the window, just out of reach. It's supposed to match the colour of the eyes of those who you love. That's what they say in books anyway. The dull repetition of how the sky reminds you of them. How the flower they pick is the colour of how they make them feel. How love feels like a rainbow of colour, bright and effervescent, something a blind man can only wish to see. Something I can only dream, the colours mixing together, all of it looks grey. The sun, the grass. My life, mixed colours, mean nothing to me. Yellow, bright dandelions. I see those grey petals fall. The eyes in the reflection I see. Lifeless and dull. The blood I let soak my clothes. The sign of life inside me, red is black and it's all I can see. My whole life I will live knowing I'm living what everyone else dreads to believe.

I take a single step into the outside world. I feel my body fill with dread. A pain that shows no blood. The pain I feel stretches my heart and tears my head. Scratching my hands, I take a soft breath. On the exhale my shoulder gets hit, I take a step back. I can barely raise my neck to see the person who's already kept on walking.

Then I see it, that menacing smile that punched a hole through my chest. His pretty eyes, even when they want me dead. That endless smirk that reaches every place in my body and brings it to life. A real pain, true pain. Pills that pull me back to the light.

The rumble of an engine under my feet, the cars stacked up, I see him leave. His body drapes perfectly over everything I see. His mind plays tricks on me, never looking into my own, always playing hide and seek. Then I take it, the chance I have to see him smile. He makes me feel that small swell of happiness inside me come alive. But it goes away quicker than I would've ever liked. When another man's hand wraps its way into my life.

No one could reach you, no one knew if you were okay. You've dealt with death and yet you seem to be okay. I hope you understand I could never hate you, in fact you make my heart a mess. Every piece flies out of my chest and hits you. I feel you hug me tight, the first kiss placed behind my ear. Whisper then afterwards, I'll see you later.

Your delicate lips on mine, taste of watermelon lollipops one I sold you, your smile reaches your ears and the crinkles by your eyes say it's real. You feel just like I do, something indescribable. A love that fills every crevice of my heart. Then you're all away and I feel nothing at all, you left me alone but came back to me when you figured it out.

You love me too, your smile on a summer afternoon, you hold me close. Tighter than ever. We will make it through this, we will make it to the finish line together.