Royal Ever After

chapter six

After hanging up the phone, I feel nothing. I can't feel anything. I remain calm. I don't cry. Maybe it hasn't sunk in yet. My brother is dead. He's gone forever. I'll never hear his stupid jokes again. Nothing will ever be the same. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I look forward to the night because that's when I can sleep. As the days go by, I live for the hours that I rest. Seven precious hours and the cycle continues. And even then, the rest doesn't give the rejuvenating feeling I should feel. The night drawls on me and I fade in and out of sleep. I toss and turn most of the night, unable to put my mind at ease. Yesterday I woke up at two in the morning. The day before that, I woke up at five. I eat the same breakfast every morning. A sandwich with cheese and turkey. Sometimes I skip lunch. Instead, I eat snacks and I am starving when the afternoon comes.

This stress is all too much. One of these days, it will be enough. I'm always on the verge of tears, on the verge of collapsing. I think to myself, I might as well give up because there's no hope for me in this world. This cruel and unforgiving universe. My time is running out. The consequence of not getting enough sleep is being tired. I yawn too many times a day to count, and I want to lie in my bed all day. There's no more energy left inside of me. I am a walking corpse. I feel like every shred of possibility, of hope, is being ripped out of my soul. My brother is dead, so what's there to live for?

Today is the funeral. I am welcomed by a decrepit yet elegant chapel, with ivy drooping over the walls. All I can hear is the heavy, pounding feet of others, gathering around me. Hands are clenched together, gripping one another as though the pain will subside if squeezed hard enough. Staring at them, the only thing I feel is anger. I'm angry at the world for taking Hector away. I'm angry at the people for coming here. They will never know Hector the way that I do. As the band begins to play, and the coffin starts to fall, emptiness encompasses me. I feel like all eyes are on me. Everyone is watching me like a hawk, studying every move I make. I know that's not true, but I can't help but think that way. I'm now the crown prince. 

I can vividly hear my aunt let out cries in the distance, which only makes the environment even more overwhelming. My phone vibrates with text messages from Sander, but I don't bother to answer them. I can't right now. It's too much for me to handle. There's somber music playing and prayers. A group of my relatives approach me to ask how I'm holding up. 

"I'm fine." I tell them, but they aren't convinced. I realize I forgot to smile, so I do it belatedly, but my lips feel like plastic. As they're talking, I hear words but not sentences. I can hear them discussing, and I hear myself asking questions here and there, but it all feels like it's from a distance. It doesn't feel real. None of this feels real. It's all like a dream, or a nightmare rather. My fingers trace the cold wood of the coffin. This is my fault. I blame myself. It should've been me instead of him. If I hadn't of stayed here, none of this would have happened. He wouldn't have driven down the road because he would've been waiting for me. He would've been waiting for me to arrive so that we could hang out like the old times. Unfortunately, I can't reverse time. One way or another, I will have to move through this.

Once the funeral is over, an impalpable thread breaks in my heart. A thread that was piecing me together. I go by my days staring blankly into space, thinking about nothing. I am an avalanche of melancholy. A stream of rage. I'm starting school today again. Thankfully, they were considerate enough to give me two weeks off, but those two weeks flew by in a second. I don't think I'll ever be ready to face this place again, but I have to. I have to finish my education because that's the right thing to do, and that's what Hector would want.

"Welcome back," Miss Charlemagne warmly greets me. "I don't know how you feel, but just know that I am here to help in any way I can."

"Thanks," I reply before climbing the stairs to my dorm. I settle down my things and head back down. As a walk into the chapel, faces turn around and the noisy bustle of chit chat comes to a stop. Eyes turn inwards, blinking several times and scanning me over. Juliano emerges from the huddle of teens to embrace me in a giant bear hug, which I graciously accept. I'm glad that we patched things up because he always finds a way to comfort me and make me feel safe. I've felt at home here this past month, and in a way, it's thanks to him.