Lost | ✓

Chapter 11. Hope

🎶 Palat Meri Jaan

Published on 22.05.2022

| AUTHOR'S POV |

Inaaya,

Thank you. Thank you for reminding me what I've been missing these days because I'd been too busy to cater to others expectations, too occupied thinking of what others would be thinking about me that I realise I've missed myself. I've been negative, scared, worried and everything that's not usually me. Yes, I'm nervous, introvert, shy, under confident and everything you would like to say to describe me but I'm also full of hope. Hope that keeps me happy, hope that keeps me going. I look forward to tomorrows not because I know it's going to be better than today but I hope it does. It's a nice feeling, you know? So I'm grateful to you to remind me of myself. I don't expect people to make me happy. It's disappointing. So I create my own happiness by little things even if it seems the silliest and stupidest so if you think that you were stupid or embarrassing yesterday when you blabbered things which didn't make much sense then let me assure you that I'm worse than you.

I believe in goodness. I always feel people are the way they're for a reason. There's always something good about them, you just need to notice. Someone helping a blind cross the road even when they're having a bad day or simply giving their food to the hungry although they're tired and starving or just offering words of comfort to the one who needs it even when they would like to hear it themselves. It's warm and beautiful and kind. But I've rarely been on the receiving end of that goodness, that kindness. Not that I'm complaining because neither have I asked for it nor do I usually show that I need it. So I guess it took me time to identify the kindness you bestowed upon me everytime you made an effort to make me feel better, make me feel comfortable. It was strange because you don't owe me anything neither did I give you reasons to be nice to me. Yet you've been a bigger person than I could ever be, it's rare and I hope you never let this quality of you fade away for anyone.

I'd stayed awake the whole night sitting by the window, watching the sky, squinting at the moon because it reminded me of myself. Don't mind me but I actually love to be awake when the world sleeps and find comfort in the blanket of my thoughts. It's peaceful and liberating. Anyways, coming back to the main point. I feel like I'm resembling the moon cloaking behind the clouds while the sun's light try to push me, bring me to the forefront so that I could shine too. You're the sun; persistent and patient, giving and forgiving. And I'm sorry for being stubborn and unthoughtful, afraid and absorbed.

The cafe incident. I didn't speak up because I wanted to help that guy. I know this sounds pathetic but it's true. You thought it was brave but I think it was cowardly. I just wanted to leave from that place. But I couldn't. I couldn't when you were there. It felt betraying to even think of leaving you alone and chose my own comfort. How could I ditch someone who was with me and run away? Maybe if you were a stranger, it wouldn't have mattered. But you weren't. So I did what I thought was the easiest. It wasn't brave. It was rash and impulsive and selfish and miserable. The more I think about it, the more I feel guilty and the more I feel guilty, the more I realise that I'll never be able to break my own walls. I don't know what you would think about me after reading this but I think I owe you this honesty. I feel better writing this to you, feels like a weight has been lifted; atleast some of it.

I hope you don't feel weirded out after reading this letter and if you feel then please just delete this letter from your memory, tear it, throw it and forget I ever gave you this. There's so much I've said and there's so much more truth I wish to say but I think I'll stop here. I wouldn't even be able to say ten percent of what I expressed by writing to you but it feels lighter to just put it down here on this piece of paper. I swear to god, the person who's writing this and the person you meet and will meet seem to have two different contrasting personalities. It's difficult to accept that they're one and the same but I think you can adjust. After all, I'm serving variety, ain't I?