Rants

02.

"Give me one good honest kiss
And I'll be alright"

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My friend chatted in our group chat earlier talking to us about a test they took. He told us the score he got which was 20/20, my other friends congratulated him. Me on the other hand, I felt mad or annoyed. At first, I didn't understand why. I was supposed to be happy for him... Why was I mad at him?

But... After thinking about it, I dislike the thought of someone being better than me. I dislike the feeling of being in second place and below. I dislike it when someone is above me. I don't want anyone to get a higher grade than me. I don't want anyone to be better than me. I always want to be at the very top. I need to be the very best. I have to.

I raged at my friend. I was mad. It was another one of my mood swings. I always let my emotions get in the way. I hate that. My other friends just watched as I cursed at him. A few minutes after my outburst, I felt guilty. I felt bad for saying those things toward him. I wanted to apologize.

I always get easily annoyed and easily angered. That was one of the reasons on why I hated myself. I don't know how to control my emotions. Whenever I have my mood swings, I try my best to just shut up and stop talking, but sometimes I just can't...

I private messaged my friend, apologizing to him. He left me on seen.... I felt mad again. I couldn't believe it. I apologized, didn't I? I got annoyed again. I cursed at him, again. Telling him to atleast react to my messages instead of Leaving me on seen. He ignored me. I got even more annoyed. I decided to just stop talking.

Why was I like this? I hate myself. Why did I need to have a short temper? My friends probably hate me. It was my fault, yet i was the one who's mad. It's my fault. I don't deserve them. They need someone better than me.

5.23.2022

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Thank you for reading. Please stay safe and take care of yourself. Enjoy the rest of your, day/night:)