The Occupation [Hiatus]

Losing Focus

Everything feels like a dream nowadays. There was no more pain, but no more anything either. Memories I had vanished from my head as time dragged on, and new ones were so hard to make.

It was like being trapped in a permanent daze. Everything was fuzzy. Maybe I should be concerned, but I couldn't be. It was too hard to care about anything, to feel emotions. It was just easier to let things happen. I had no control over anything anyways, so what was the point?

Governor Terry controlled everything, controlled me. That was the only thing that was easy to remember, since I was constantly reminded of it.

It was my one constant. I was a state. I was controlled by my Governor. And I needed to be protected by my guard. With everything else fading away, that was what they made sure I remembered.

It was nice of them to do that, even if it did make me feel sick, as parts of myself seemed to riot against it. Dissenting opinions, to what Governor Terry wanted me to remember. It wasn't my first time dealing with them. I just don't remember them hurting this much.

I couldn't remember a lot though, so I ignored it.

I slowly pulled open my eyes, the effort exhausting me. I couldn't tell if it was night or day.

Did that really even matter?

Time was time. Days and nights didn't matter when I was like this, ill from the ideas the north and America tried to poison me with. An illness caused by my lack of obedience towards Governor Terry and the National Guard. That was the only thing that truly matters. The truth, and my purpose, the two things I wasn't able to forget, wasn't allowed to forget.

Everything was a distraction, a danger to me or that idea. My purpose. That was why I needed Governor Terry, my National Guard, and my medicine.

They would make sure I felt better.

Right?

Yeah, they would. I just needed to stop thinking about...

Traitorous thoughts were why I needed my medicine. I needed to just stop thinking about things, stop letting myself get carried away by the bad thoughts. Maybe that's why my memory was so poor. The bad thoughts. I couldn't be sure, but when was I ever sure of anything? It wasn't my job to know things. It was my job to be told what to do by my government. They were my true thoughts.

I just wish it could be more...no wishing was bad. I wasn't supposed to wish. I din{t have my own opinions. That was hurting me. Maybe all the wishing the fogginess would go away was what was causing it. I...it was confusing.

I wish Governor Terry or someone else was here to talk about it. They-my governor and my National Guard-always knew how to fix my problems, fix all the damage that had been done to my mind by my d-Americ-by the country I was a part of.

If only they could be here full time. But since my issues were being fixed, they had gotten more comfortable in letting me be by myself for longer periods of time. Sure, I was still locked in the house, but it was still nice to know I was trusted. Besides, why would I need to leave? I could do my job perfectly fine from here.

And to be honest, it was hard to walk and move most days, my least favorite side effect from my medicine, so I was fine just lying on the bed or the couch.

I think Governor Terry preferred it too. Which just made it...

I groaned as another headache hit me. They had been getting more frequent as of late, and I hated them, although they were often a sign that my medicine had to be taken soon.

Every part of me just felt off. It either felt weird, or it hurt. I hate it. I hate it so much. Why couldn't I just be fixed faster, so this could all go away?

A noise from downstairs broke me out of my thoughts, as some small, aware part of my brain recognized it as the door opening. Exc-thinking that it might be the guard, or at the very least someone who could help me sort out my thoughts, I slowly pulled myself out of bed.

"Governor Terry?" I asked, internally wincing at how my voice seemed a bit raspy, probably from lack of use. I didn't really have much reason to talk anymore. I was better quiet.

No one answered me either. I leaned against the wall, trying to regain my balance, shutting my eyes as my head fell back. I hate it when my medicine starts to wear off. Made me feel more sick than I ever felt in my life. Maybe. Memories were still a bit fuzzy on that.

Could I even get sick? There was so much I didn't know about myself now that I had learned my previous worldview was apparently wrong.

Then I heard m-the bedroom door open, and I looked up to see Governor Terry standing there. I smiled, stumbling towards him before collapsing into his arms.

I pulled him into a hug without really thinking, and subconsciously I knew we must have done this before, because I could remember this same warmth having appeared before. The warmth of a loving embrace, the embrace of a father. Governor Terry was like that, according to my fuzzy memories, and what the guard has been telling me.

Even with my memory falling apart, it was nice to remember Governor Terry always loved me, even with the small, traitorous parts of myself saying otherwise.

"Good state." He said, stroking my hair. I smiled, as I felt the familiar, sudden pain of my medicine being given to me. I shivered as chill ran down my spine, and a wave of exhaustion overtook my body, causing my mind to grow more foggy and cloudy.

It was hard to think, to be aware of anything.

And before I knew it, I was in my bed again, drifting off to sleep.