Humbling Spot Conlon (A Spot Conlon Love Story)

Ch. 16: She/Her

Beth was glued to Spot's side at all times. Selling papers? There she was. Just wanted to have a quick chat with him? There again. She was with him every time I wanted to hang out, every time I simply said hi.

I tried to be happy for them, but deep down, I knew I never could be. Every time I saw them, I could feel another part of my heart break away. It was torture.

Spot didn't seem too happy either. Although, maybe I was only seeing that because that's what I wanted to see. It's just, he never seemed very interested when she was talking to him. He zoned out often. I'm sure I was just imagining. He was probably perfectly happy.

I tried not to care. I knew I didn't need or have to care. I shouldn't have cared. It didn't matter. Spot was over it already. He probably didn't even care in the first place.

But I couldn't stand it. I had my chance. I absolutely blew it. I had been mad that he was asking me to give up my secret, but I would've asked the same thing. He wasn't being unreasonable. However, I couldn't tell everyone. That would just ruin everything. All that work to keep the secret would be down the drain.

Then again, I couldn't keep it forever. What about when I got older and started to actually look like a girl? It was already happening. I wouldn't be able to keep it up much longer. So why not? Why not just tell everyone?

I would grow my hair out. Tell everyone that I was a girl. But I wasn't doing it for Spot, I promise. I was doing it for me. I was tired of my secret.

But I would need to get a second opinion. I tended to make terrible choices, so I went to Jack, who wasn't much better, but I trust him.

"I need ta talk to you." I yanked him out of a conversation with Sarah. He whined as I pulled on his arm. Sarah giggled behind us.

"What do you want?" He complained.

I socked him in the arm. "It's somethin' kinda important."

"Alright, go ahead." He glanced back at Sarah. "And hurry."

I shifted around uncomfortably. I wasn't sure how I was going to ask. I wasn't sure why I was asking either. It just felt wrong not telling him. He was like my brother.

I took a deep breath. "I was thinkin' of growin' out my hair," I cleared my throat. This was harder than I thought it was going to be. "and, uh, tellin' everyone, y'know?"

Waiting for his answer was one of the most stressful experiences ever. He simply stared at me, straight faced. He gave no hints as to his opinion on this idea.

It wasn't much better when he actually answered. "No." There was nothing else. Just that. I was dumbstruck and unsure how to answer. Why not? I didn't see the problem.

"What?" I finally managed.

"No," He repeated, "I don't think that's a good idea."

"But-"

"No."

"Yer not in charge o' me," I tried to reason.

Jack put a finger to my lips. "Move the finger, or I bite it off," I told him. He quickly did what I said, bringing his hand away from me.

"You just can't, Nicky. What about what you always say? Everythin' is just gonna be different. I thought you didn't want that."

"I don't. It's just-" I faltered. I wasn't quite sure what I wanted. I just wanted everything to go back to how it was before the strike. Everything was simpler then. I didn't have to worry about anything except staying alive.

I turned away from him, tears welling up in my eyes. I didn't expect to get emotional. I never did, but I guess that I was more tired of it than I thought.