Trying To Maintain

T H I R T Y - N I N E

Timitrius

"You not even tryna hear me out though," I say trying to keep myself from flashing out on Drevon. We've both kind of calmed down since his baby mama started playing reindeer games. She really been keeping Toots away from us. I thought the bitch was bullshitting at first, but it's been a month and a half since then. So yeah, he pissing me off by not hearing my suggestion.

And we ain't fucked in forever.

But besides the desert dick I been suffering from, I been trying to figure out for two days how to approach him about me moving out to get my own place. My reason for wanting to do it is his baby mama. I decided to just ask and see how it goes. If we "broke up" then she'd start letting Toots come around him again. Then, I can just FaceTime or show up occasionally to see my baby.

"I did hear you out. I don't agree."

"Why not?"

"Because, who's to say she will even accept that shit? What if she still on some, I'm a bad influence whether or not you with me type shit?"

"Then at least we'll know we tried."

"So you really want to live separately for a year?" He asks me.

"I don't want to, but it might be what we have to do." I try to plead my case. "We would've had to do it eventually anyway," I mumble lowly to myself.

Drevon just stares at me. "So you been wanting this...why?" He looks hurt by it, and that was definitely not my intention.

"Because, bae," I say as I go and sit sideways in his lap while he eats at the kitchen table. "People would start to question why we still live together if we both have enough money to live alone."

"Do you ever plan on coming out? Ever?"

Shit no.

"Why does that matter? You said you'd stay with me in a down-low relationship, so what's the problem?" I couldn't help the frown that made its way on my face.

"I have hopes that you will eventually want to. I know it won't be soon, but I have hope that it'll happen someday." He caresses my back with one hand and looks into my eyes.

Ugh.

"I'm sorry, baby, but I really don't think I'll ever do that."

He looks at me for a whole two minutes in silence. I look him in his eyes so he'll know that this is something I'm serious about. He exhales a stressed sounding breath before he wraps both of his arms around me and just holds me tightly.

He holds me like that for a while too. I hug him back and rub his head. "You okay?" I ask him lowly.

"No,"  his voice cracks. The way he cleared his throat after the fact tells me he didn't mean for his emotion to be heard.

I try to turn around on him to straddle his lap, but he won't let me move. "Bae, let me go real quick please." I say softly.

He lets me go but keeps his head down, wiping his face aggressively. I straddle his lap and grab his head, holding each side of his face to have him look up at me. "What's wrong?" I asked him with a frown. Not an angry one, but of concern. His eyes are red and watery.

Why is he ready to cry?

"Lately I been feeling like...I don't even wanna talk about it to be honest." He says with a sad sigh.

"Don't do that to me. Talk to me. Don't you want this to work?"

"Do you?" He looks up at me to ask.

"I'm here trying with yo-"