Eyes of Perception

Chapter 24

Seven days. That's how long it took him to manage to get himself back into a more-or-less normal state of mind, because according to Tonia, everything he'd been through was trauma-worthy, and according to Tonia, that whole episode of maniacal laughter followed by uncontrollable sobbing was called a 'mental breakdown', and typically speaking, those took a while to recover from. 

He wanted to tell himself that it was nothing, that he was just overreacting and he should suck it up and deal with it and just keep going about his normal life as if nothing had changed, but he couldn't. For seven whole days, he couldn't do much of anything but work on autopilot, as if he had been pre-programmed to complete tasks in the most efficient way possible, so that any and all extra time could be spent sitting in his room, staring blankly at a wall.

He lost his job. His family. His future. Zhongli. Was this what it felt like to lose everything that's ever mattered? He felt empty, like a shell of who he'd once been. He wanted to get up, move around, train for an hour or two to keep his elemental mastery in good condition and to keep up his physical fitness. His body refused to. He wanted to sit down and read one of the many books he'd set aside over the years, to finally catch up on the hundreds of stories. His mind refused to. It felt like everything he did only ended up draining him more, leaving him feeling even more worthless than before.

Tonia seemed to understand. After she had heard him out about his adventures, she had simply given him a wistful smile, as if she was the older one with the most experience. He'd almost broken down again at that. She made him a cup of hot chocolate, as if that would solve all of his problems. It didn't, but it helped distract him from them again. It helped him take things slow.

When Anthon came running back from school, Ajax made an attempt to uphold a proper conversation with him about his time in Liyue, but he just- he couldn't. Tonia noticed that, too. She led Anthon away with a scolding about how he should focus on finishing his homework first, and had then given Ajax an apologetic smile and another cup of hot chocolate. She said she knew what it was like. She said she had been there, too.

'There', where? In a state of not understanding where everything went so wrong? In a state of terror about what kind of cruelties the future might bring? In a state of regret about anything and everything that he'd done within the past year? If so, then Ajax had completely failed as an older brother. He should've been there for her, to make sure she hadn't been forced through that on her own. He was glad that she was there for him now.

He sat at his desk in a dead silent house. Anthon was off to school again, and Tonia had to run some errands.  He should've gone with her and helped her out, like a proper big brother would've. Instead, he found himself unable to even find the effort to stand properly. Tonia had taken one look at him and sent him right back to his room. 

How pathetic... he was her older brother. He  should be the one burned with a million and one tasks. He should be the one taking care of her and Anthon, not the other way around. Apparently, Tonia didn't think so. Every time she saw him feeling even the slightest bit down or uncomfortable with something, she gave him a gentle reminder that he didn't have to force himself to do anything, not anymore.

The first time, he'd ignored her and tried to finish the task anyway. The simple matter of prepping some vegetables for dinner had ended up in his hands shaking with the effort so hard that he nearly chopped his fingers off. He was too distracted, too unfocused. This whole 'figuring things out' thing was a lot more draining than he thought it would be. Maybe he shouldn't have pushed every problem aside to deal with later, because apparently, 'later' meant now, and he now had too many problems to deal with all at once.

His gaze shifted, dropping to the old stack of paper and fountain pen that he'd gotten from Anthon a few years ago. Talking things through with Tonia had made him feel better before, but he couldn't bear the thought of making her even more worried. Would writing things down have the same effect? Would putting his thoughts down on paper help him clear his mind and figure out what it was that he wanted? Well, it wouldn't hurt to try.