Eyes of Perception

Chapter 27

Ajax had already gotten out of bed and changed into more comfortable clothing by the time Tonia came back with a bowl of soup. For a split second, it looked like she wanted to reprimand him for getting out of bed. Then, she just sighed, shook her head, and set the bowl onto his desk before plopping down onto the bed and staring at him expectantly. He couldn't help but smile a little - he was already used to this kind of treatment from her. Seriously, when had she grown up so much?

Knowing that Tonia probably had a million other things to do and she wouldn't leave until he finished his food, he dutifully ate the soup, grateful for her company. Maybe she somehow understood that it wasn't always necessary to talk - just her being there was enough, as if she knew that words would never be able to completely say everything he needed to get off his chest. Just having her comforting presence around made it so much better, made him finally feel at peace. As soon as he got over all of this, he'd take Tonia out and get her whatever she wanted.

She gave him a quiet nod in acknowledgement once he'd finished the soup and was at the door with the bowl in hand before she came to a stop, turning back to him with a soft smile on her face. "You should talk to him, y'know? I think you've still got some things to clear up."

He gave ger a feeble nod in response, watching her leave, and suddenly he was alone again. It felt cold. Wrong. Like something would crawl out of some pit unless he was with someone. It terrified him, being alone. Why did he care so much? Why couldn't he just go back to being the way he'd been before? A cold, ruthless killer that didn't flinch at murder and welcomed the feeling of being a lone wolf? What changed?

Everything. His whole world had been turned upside down. What he'd thought was right turned out to be wrong, what he'd thought was good turned out to be bad. He'd fought alongside the Abyss and then it turned on him, threatened those he loved most. He'd killed for the Tsaritsa, and she'd thrown him aside without care or explanation. And he'd been prepared to leave his life behind for Zhongli, just for Zhongli doing that for him instead.

...they really needed to talk about this again, didn't they?

(He wanted to be mad at himself for going in circles like this, over and over again. He wanted to punch himself in the face a couple of times for good measure. A few months ago, maybe he actually would've done that - now, though, he was realizing what this feeling was. Guilt. Regret. The understanding that none of it was his fault, not really. The realization that he couldn't have done anything to change it, that there were powers stronger than him at play this whole time. And the dreadful thought that he really was doing his best, that even now, as he beat himself up over it for what felt like the thousandth time, he really was trying to move forward. He just... he needed a little more time. Learned habits were hard to forget.)

Slowly, he got up again, made an attempt to stretch himself out a little before wincing. Damn, wounds from the Abyss still hurt like a bitch. He'd never quite gotten to figure out what kind of attacks those monsters used to make their wounds be more long-lasting. Even a tiny cut from a creature of the Abyss could lead to death if the victim wasn't familiar with the Abyss's threats. He was lucky that his body was already used to the poisons that the Abyss had to offer.

He had to fight the urge to groan as he limped his way out of his room and down the stairs - logically, he understood he probably should've just asked Tonia or Anthon to get him some water, but he'd already burdened Tonia enough, and he didn't know what state Anthon was in. Somehow, he managed to step off the stairs without falling flat on his face - the feeling of the darkweaver wrapped around his legs was still too strong, too recent, and he still felt as if his legs would give out at any moment. He braced himself against the wall for support, grimacing slightly as he walked, and froze halfway to the kitchen.