Eyes of Perception

Chapter 17

He managed to keep himself under control until they returned to Liyue Harbor the next day. No matter what, Zhongli couldn't know that Childe had discovered his true identity as the geo archon. Like the gentleman that he was, he walked Zhongli home, made sure the consultant was safe and comfortable after over a week of travel, and left with a kiss in goodbye. 

The calm act crumbled the second he stepped into his own apartment. To be frank, he was surprised he'd even made it that far before breaking into hysterics. All things considered, he decided he took the news rather well, but that was probably because deep down, at some level that he buried away, he already knew the truth. 

Behind the comfort of a closed door, he let himself take a shuddering breath, his back pressed to the door as if to keep anything and everything out. Right. Okay. Deep breaths. In and out. In and out. He'd get through this. He just needed to calm down a little, get his facts straight. He needed to figure out where, exactly, he stood in all this.

His boyfriend was a god. 

That was okay. 

He worked with gods before. He served one directly. He was familiar with gods. 

His boyfriend was Rex Lapis, the oldest god, the winner of the Archon War.

That was okay, too.

Childe was a Harbinger, a monster forged by the Abyss and refined by the Tsaritsa's cruel ways. He doubted a human partner would be able to take him on anyway.

His boyfriend was the god that he needed to take the gnosis from. 

That was... certainly a problem.

The day he became a Harbinger, he swore to the Tsaritsa that he'd follow her orders without question. That his very body, heart, and soul belonged to her. That he was at her disposal now, and she could do whatever she pleased with him. That meant if she told him to charge head-first into a battle against the world, he'd do so. If she told him to break down a city and rebuild it piece by piece, he'd do so. If she told him to- to steal the gnosis of the man he loved...

He'd do so. He had to, didn't he? That's what he swore. Like it or not, he'd have to reach into the god's chest and pull out his gnosis and bring it back to the Tsaritsa. He had no choice.

Right?

So why did he feel so guilty? Why did the mere idea of taking Zhongli's gnosis away send shivers down his spine, made him wish more than ever before that he'd never gotten involved with all of this Harbinger business? What was it about Zhongli that made Childe falter for the first time? Childe was a weapon, a blade that the Tsaritsa summoned at the most dire of times because she trusted no one but him to deal with those situations. He'd fought tooth and nail to gain that trust, to earn his spot as the Vanguard of the Tsaritsa.

So why now? Why was it that now, of all times, he didn't know what to do?

Was half a year with Zhongli all it took to make his dedication to the Tsaritsa waver? Was he really so pathetic that some man had managed to charm his way into Childe's life, and now Childe couldn't even do his job properly?

He felt himself sliding to the floor, his back still pressed to the door. The room spun around him in wavering circles. On instinct, his hand flew up to his right ear, his fingers tracing over the pattern engraved into the small earring. The familiar texture soothed him with pleasant memories. Memories that came from him and the geo archon. 

All comfort vanished, and although Liyuan air was warm year-round, he found himself shuddering at the thought of cold eyes watching him with disapproval. The Tsaritsa was not a forgiving goddess. Those who opposed her were struck down, and those who betrayed her were never heard from again. Childe was strong, but he was no fool. He knew better than to go against her words.