𝔥𝔬𝔪𝔢 | 𝔟𝔢𝔢𝔱𝔩𝔢𝔧𝔲𝔦𝔠𝔢 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔪𝔲𝔰𝔦𝔠𝔞𝔩

𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐤𝐞𝐧 𝐮𝐧𝐛𝐫𝐨𝐤𝐞𝐧

You should've seen their faces. I had never seen them so stunned. I knew how absurd I probably looked, weeping and sniffling with black tears rolling down my flushed cheeks. It just made me cry more. I felt stupid.

"Lydia," Barbara wiped my cheek with her cold, ghostly thumb, "it's alright. We just need to talk."
"Okay," I obliged between quick breaths. The heavy truth spilled out of my mouth. "I just miss him so much. I've been so angry with myself for it, but I can't get rid of this empty feeling. I know he can't come back, and I know that's a good thing. I just can't believe I lost him, too."
"Lydia," Adam sighed. "How could you possibly miss him? Do you remember what he did to us? To me and Barbara, to your parents, to you?"

I did remember. I remembered how scared and defeated I felt when he exorcised Barbara. I remembered how much it hurt me to see everyone I loved so defenseless. Somehow, I did love him, but he didn't love me. It would be a miracle if he loved anything. He used me to get what he wanted. That's what I had told myself for the past month.
He didn't love you. He didn't really care about you. He can't love.

I drew a quavering breath. "I just want to see him. Just one more time."
Adam wore a concerned expression. "We love you, Lyds. And we don't want you to get hurt. He could've killed you. . . After what we went through to get rid of him, there is no way we can bring him back. I'm sorry. We're moving forward."
Sounded familiar.
"Plus, we just finished cleaning the house up from his destruction," he added, trying to lighten the mood. "He would ruin everything. Hell would break loose all over again."

Everything they were saying was true, but my argumentative side kicked in.
"You didn't know him the way I did," I insisted. "He wasn't all bad."

"No, Lydia, " Barbara replied calmly. "I'm sorry. You're wrong."

My emotions took over. "You're just proving my point! Nobody understands him, or me, or anything. He actually saw me and cared about me. Betelgeuse loved me." His name tasted funny on my tongue.
Barbara looked at me in disbelief.  "He didn't love you. You didn't know him."
Barbara snapped. She never snapped at me. I could hear my own heart pounding.

"You have no-"

"We're not going to have this conversation, Lydia."

And they were gone.
I stared up at the ceiling, every bone in my body dully aching. I was alone again. Invisible. I couldn't cry, or scream, or be angry. I knew this feeling all too well. I had felt my desperation growing for weeks. His name was lodged in the back of my throat, threatening to choke me to death if I didn't let it out.

There's one thing that can still stop them.

~☾~

I spent the rest of the day in my room, fighting a brutal mind-war and napping from emotional exhaustion. The sky was melting into blackness, and a stark full moon illuminated the earth. Only a few stars were visible, but the Orion constellation caught my eye. The star near Orion's head glowed like it knew something I didn't, conjuring an unknown feeling in me. Dad called me down for dinner, but I ignored him. It was already nine at night, and I didn't want to see them. When I heard the racket of the dishwasher being loaded, I knew it was almost time. They'd be going to sleep soon. I was going to see him one last time. Maybe then my heart could let go.
Once I heard footsteps coming up the stairs, I quickly snapped the lock on my door. Just as I expected, Dad knocked.

"Lydia? Are you alright?
I rolled my eyes.
"It's Dad."
Yeah. No kidding. Who else would it be?

I let out a sigh to let Dad know I wasn't dead or anything. He waited a moment, then walked away to his room. I imagined his head against the door, listening for a sign of life, worried sick for his poor little daughter, regretting their fight. It wasn't as rewarding as I thought it would be.

I heard the faucet running a few times and Delia humming a Bee Gees song. There was a brief exchange of whispers between Dad and her, then some sort of icky kissing noise. Adam and Barbara  got into the attic without the ladder. Once I was sure everyone was in bed, I made the decision. I was going to do it. But I would have to be careful not to let him out. I just needed to talk to him one more time. Then, I would let him go. Forever.

I opened my door slowly, trying to avoid a deafening creak. Once I had done that successfully, I got down on my hands and knees and crawled toward the stairs. I made my way down, my mind screaming at me with each step. The palpitations in my chest were becoming unbearable. I sat down at the final step, trying to catch my breath. I rubbed my hands over my face with dread. What the hell was I doing?

I trudged on to the dining room. The exact same place where I said his name the first time. I planted my feet right where I had on that night. The word clawed through my throat, begging to be set free. I inhaled, prepared to speak, but I feared I would start crying again, from fear or anticipation.

I was ready. I felt like I was going to start floating. Maybe I was about to faint.

"Betelgeuse." The forbidden name tasted strange on my tongue. Like hot sauce and bittersweet memories. I could almost hear him, just like last time.

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! I'm so glad you changed your mind. You are never gonna regret this!

"Betelgeuse." I didn't recognize my own voice.

We are gonna make such a great team! Give me just one more.

I said it. Except this time, it wasn't a powerful scream of anger. It was a quiet, broken question.

"Betelgeuse?"