Banned To Touch | jenlisa

Chapter 21

LISA

I stop, perplexed. What is Leo doing here? I feel like time has stood still and my blood is freezing.

Leo shouldn't be here. He should be coming at me now with that guilty face. He shouldn't have the pain in his eyes. I betrayed him. He relapsed yesterday, yes. But I... Damn, I even had dry sex with my teacher an hour ago!

Guilt wells up inside me and threatens to overwhelm me. What am I supposed to do now?

"Hey, Lis." Leo mumbles and puts his fingers in his trouser pockets, embarrassed. I see deep circles under his eyes and his skin looks pale. He looks as if he hadn't closed his eyes during the night.

Apparently he's waiting for a reaction, but I'm still perplexed. If I got out a word now, my voice would tremble with guilt and he would know everything. But maybe he should know.

"About yesterday... I'm so sorry, Lis. Princess... I... I don't know what happened yesterday. I am so incredibly sorry. Please say something."

When I still don't reply, Leo takes my hand, encloses it with both of his hands and kisses it. This sweet gesture is killing me and I can't help but bring tears to my eyes. I quickly try to blink her away, on the verge of sobbing.

I don't deserve Leo. Not his apology, nor his love.

"Leo, I..." The words get stuck in my throat. I close my eyes and breathe in and out deeply. Leo presses gentle kisses on each of my knuckles as I do this and unconsciously I clench my fist. I'm so mad at Jennie, so mad. Mad at me.

My chest hurts and I can't look into his rainy eyes without seeing the reflection in them of the ugly girl who cheated on her boyfriend. And not just once, even though I haven't had sex with Jennie yet.

"Lis... Now please say something. I'm terribly sorry I let you down."

Let me down?!

Goodness, if he knew what I did after our fight, he wouldn't be apologizing like that.

"Let's... let's go inside."

I open my eyes again, but avoid his gaze. I just can't look at him now.

I quickly unlock the front door, leave my shoes by the door and give my mother a quick hello before walking into my room with Leo behind me. I am unprepared for the conversation, unable to form sentences to possibly tell him the truth. I sit down in my swivel chair at my desk and he sits across from me on my bed.

I bite my lip tightly and quickly make a pros and cons list in my head as to whether I should tell Leo. It pretty much says why I should tell him, while on the cons side it just says one point: I can't lose Leo. However, this single point towers over all dozens on the pro site. Of course I can't tell him who I cheated on him with. 'Cause it's just as much my fault as Jennie's. It wouldn't be fair if she might lose her job because of a good-for-nothing teenager.

"Lis." Leo snaps me out of my thoughts. "Yesterday was a slip. It's just..." Leo swallows loudly and now I look up.

He looks terrible for his standards. His hair is all over the place and in general he doesn't look well.

"Leo, what happened?" I say with all my strength, trying to sound treacherous. Instead, I sound very worried.

He takes a deep breath and pauses for a long time before speaking and looking at the floor. "Everything is very stressful at the university right now."

"Leo." I demand him to look at me. I see pain and I don't know where it comes from. We had a fight, yes. But that's no reason to reflect such pain in his eyes. Can I really expect him to tell him everything right away? Or can't you take it on yourself? I try to push my inner voice to the back of my brain. Now it's not about me, it's about how I can help him.

"Do not lie to me. I know that you have to write homework at the moment and that your final exams will not take place for two months. This is also no reason to start again. I know you. What really happened?"

Leo first looks at me with big, painful eyes, but then looks straight away. I see the inner struggle in him and this makes me very uneasy myself. Apparently I'm probably not the only one with any secrets. Is that good for a relationship?

With a lazy smile, he looks at me with his grey-blue eyes as if the rain is about to break out, in and over both of us.

"I just need you more than words can describe right now, Princess."

His eyes glaze over and pain floods my body. I let him distract from the main point because I'm not honest with him myself. How could I not see that my boyfriend needs me more than ever? How could I not see any signs of him resorting to such means again? BECAUSE THE HOT DEVIL HAS POSSESSED YOU!

If I hadn't gotten involved with Jennie, none of this might ever have happened. I could have endured anything. I'm the most terrible person in the world and I don't do anything in the world to deserve Leo. He just has to know.

"Leo, I'm so sorry. I-"

"No, Lisa. Don't. Don't blame yourself for anything. There's nothing you can do about my mistakes." A disdainful look comes into his eyes and it pains me to know that he's about to look at me the same way.

"Leo, you don't understand." My voice trembles. "I have-"

"I do not care. I just need you so much, Princess."

A tear runs down the corner of his eye and... I can't bear to see him hurt any more.

After the recovery, share the message and help others affected.

He needs me just too much to put this burden on him. I've made up my mind: I have to stop this affair. She's no good for anyone. I get up and stand between Leo's legs to pull him towards me. He hugs me so tight, snuggles into my chest and keeps mumbling about how sorry he is.

"You are a gift from heaven."

Inside I'm laughing. Wow! I am a sin!

Leo looks up and pulls my neck down to kiss me. The kiss is gentle and I can feel the salty taste of the single tear from his earlier. And the worst thing about the whole thing is: It feels nice, yes. But... I don't feel the all-encompassing tingling that slides through my body like I did less than two hours ago, making me forget everything around me.

And it hurts me to know that I may never feel that tingling again.