Through the dark

It's Christmas time

I'm not sure if it's exhaustion or being home in my old room but sleep was easier my nightmare wasn't as strong. Instead of screaming causing everyone in the house to wake up I simply startled myself awake. I'd say that's progress I guess. When I look at the clock it says 6:30 which means trying to go back to sleep will not be worth it.  Mom has always been big on tradition so that means she will be downstairs cooking in the next half hour then she'll be expecting all of us at the table by 8.

I pull the covers off standing in my childhood room I feel an odd peace quickly overcome by shame. What happened that the quiet girl that lip sang to her favorite songs allowed herself to be... Don't think about it!  If you think about it you'll start to fall apart.  Take a deep breath then push it aside.

I grab my outfit out of my suitcase so I can head to the bathroom to shower before my siblings have a chance to take it over. Moms house though not entirely small only has two full baths then the guest half bath downstairs. I know from experience growing up in this house that the showers and subsequent bathrooms could be tied up for at least an hour by each of my siblings. If I'm going to make it through this day I need a hot shower to wake me up. I get to the bathroom and just as I turn the shower on I hear my sisters racing to the bathroom in moms room. I laugh then step inside letting the hot water ease my tense muscles while I try to wash away the disgust I feel thinking of that night.

The shower does me some good though not as much as I really wanted. Truth is no matter how many hot showers I take I don't think I'll be able to wash the shame away.  I take the time to get dressed in a oversized white sweater, a pair of AE jeans with my red heels and red newsboy hat. I let my hair lay down and add a pair of silver hoop earrings. I look at myself up and down I look festive enough. What I really want to do is wrap myself in a blanket to hide from the world but I push forward. Just a few days then I will go back to Cali and try to get past this.

As I head down the stairs I hear Tim yell to Kate dibs and run to the bathroom. I smile to myself grateful to be home. These little things just being with my siblings are actually helping. Of course I can't let on to anything being wrong. I won't talk to them about it. I don't want to see the shame and disgust in their eyes. Just like that the feeling of comfort is erased replaced by the feelings I've been trying to suppress since my birthday. I brought this onto myself because I wanted him to like me.

"Haley are you alright? You look lost in thought and by your expression not a happy one"

I hear my mothers voice as I'm pulled back to the present. I'm standing midway down the stairs with my nails dug into my palm. At her words I blink then fake laugh.

"Sorry Mom I was just thinking how scary it would have been if Kate didn't get into the bathroom soon. Good thing Melz was quick."

My mother smiles but I don't think she bought it. I continue down the stairs and head into the kitchen to avoid anymore awkwardness. As I had suspected mom had already made the one dish I can say for certain was her cooking. The delicious smell of cinnamon and blueberries drifted from the French toast casserole sitting on the oven. Mom had made fruit salad, bacon and fresh squeezed orange juice to go with it.  We will eat breakfast together then open presents we had gotten for each other.  These were things I was so looking forward to just a few weeks ago.  Now I'm just trying to get through them without falling apart.

My siblings finish getting ready with Kate being the last to grace us with her presence as always.  We eat breakfast my mother fussing over us to ensure we all have enough to eat.  Once full I help Melanie clear the table and do the dishes while mom gets herself ready.  Tim and Kate head into the living room to watch National Lampoons Christmas vacation.  Our Christmas morning routine continues when mom comes downstairs and joins us in the living room.  We each hand out our gifts to mom and then to each other.  Mom takes care opening each gift and gushing over them as if they were the best gifts she ever received. Kate and I had gotten her a plane ticket to come visit us in a couple months with a promise to take her to all the tourists hot spots. Tim got her a spa package at her favorite spa and Melanie gave her a beautiful cashmere sweater in her favorite color lilac.

After mom opened her gifts she and Tim exchanged a look that told me they were up to something. Kate must have seen it as well because she looked at Melanie and me then said "ok what gives you two look very suspicious?"

"Well I was wondering if we could possibly postpone my visit to California?" Mom said with a sly grin

"Oh my word are you pregnant?" Melanie said almost in disgust which made me actually giggle.

"Good lord Melz as old as I am and with whom would this miracle child come by?" Mom was laughing

"No moms not pregnant Melz! What's wrong with you?" Tim rolled his eyes then continued. "Mom and I put together a trip to Europe for all of us during Spring break"

My sisters squealed in delight jumping up to hug my mom and Tim. I just sat there shocked. I'm not really sure how to react; on one hand I've always wanted to go to Europe but on the other I don't know if I can keep up my happy facade for a whole trip with them all. This is all goes through my head until I hear Tim talking to me.

"Hales what do you think?" Tim repeats himself when he thinks I didn't hear him the first time.

I shake my head to clear the thoughts running through it. "Wow that's really nice of you but I'm not sure if I can get off work again so soon." I say trying to come up with a reason not to go without sounding like I don't want to go.

"Oh come on Haley you basically do half your work at home. I'm sure Brad would be fine as long as you kept up on your accounts." Kate says. My boss Brad is actually a nice guy and our neighbor. I work as a graphic designer for a marketing firm that Brad started a few years ago. Kate is right that I can keep up with things without actually being in the office and that Brad would be fine with a chance for me to spend time in Europe given he is originally from Manchester. He's told us plenty of times that we need to broaden our horizons.

"Yea you're probably right." I state feeling a bit defeated

"Great we will be there April 18th through the 28th. We've already arranged for flights for you girls to fly out of LAX and we will meet you at JFK and take the 2nd leg with you." Mom says beaming with excitement.

"Sounds great!" I say with a little too much enthusiasm. Ten days in Europe would have been a dream if I hadn't just lived through a nightmare I was trying to hide from the people I love.