Through the dark

Feeling better

I'm still on the floor by my door when I hear a soft knock. I've stopped crying and I'm just kind of in a numb state.  It's what I've been doing since that night.  I put myself in a state of numbness to block out the hurt. I hear another soft knock then Louis voice say my name. I don't know what I am going to say to him. What must he think of my abrupt end to our really lovely time together. I really like him or at least I'm starting to really like him. There's no way he wants anything to do with me; I'm broken damaged goods. Who wants to be with someone who can't hold it together for even a day?  I hear the soft knock and this time Louis says "Haley please" and it breaks me. I stand up open the door but when Louis sees my disheveled look I can see him fighting different emotions all at once; shock, fear, sadness but something else too.

"I...Haley...what can I...or what did I do?"

"Oh Louis I'm so sorry! You didn't do anything! It's just me; I'm a mess,lost and broken just trust me I'm not worth it."

I'm sobbing and Louis just grabs me in the tightest hug. I try to break away without much effort because I am finally starting to realize I want him here. I hear a few footsteps and see Alberto close the door. Louis just holds me as I cry on his shoulder. He doesn't say a word or make any movement just holds me. I don't know how long we stand there though I know it must be awhile because our phones have both been buzzing a lot. When I've stopped crying for a bit Louis finally loosens his hug but he doesn't let me go. He pulls back just enough so he can see my face.

"I don't want to ask if you're alright but maybe are you feeling better?"

"I think so. I'm sorry.." He raises his right hand to cup my cheek but doesn't move his left from my waist.

"You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. I was too forward and shouldn't have tried to kiss you."

"It isn't you it's me. I wish I could explain. Trust me Louis you don't want me. I'm damaged. If you knew you'd be so disgusted. I'm so ashamed of...". I start to sob again and Louis just wraps his arms around me again.

"Haley Haley I'm here I have you.  You don't have to be ashamed". He shushes me and holds me until this bout of tears is over.

"I don't know if I'll ever be strong enough or good enough for you or anyone." I finally say.

"Can you let me be the judge of that please?"

I sniffle and sort of nod into his neck. I'm feeling pretty drained which he must feel because he lets go enough to lead me over to the seating area of my room. He makes sure I'm seated without letting go of one of my hands and kneels down in front of me. He is studying my face I think to see if I'm going to break again. I try to gather my resolve so that I can convince us both that I'm alright. My phone buzzes again making me jump a little but also snapping me into reality. I pick it up.

"Hello; oh hey mom....No no I'm fine that's just Alberto he's Louis bodyguard... yes Louis...Um no I don't think so...ok yes I'll be down in a bit. Love you too." I answer all of my mom's questions while Louis moves to sit in the other chair. "That was my mom. She was worried about me because I haven't been answering and Alberto told them I wasn't feeling well. I'm sort of late for dinner". I explain the one sided conversation he heard.

"I'm sorry they were worried but not that I was here. Sounds like you missed a question." He says with an odd expression.

"I did?" I'm genuinely confused by his statement.

"You said you don't think so...was your mum asking something else? Maybe about me?"

"Oh uh yes she asked if you were staying for dinner." I say sort of sheepishly.

"You said you don't think so... is that because you want me to leave or..." he trails off seemingly unsure if he should continue.

"No no I don't want you to leave at all." I say and something in me says "stay forever".

"Then why did you say you don't think so?"

"Well because it's getting late and you're a bit from home not to mention I'm a mess. Plus I'm leaving for France tomorrow and then home. I just thought it's better to rip the bandaid off as they say"

Louis sits for a few minutes without responding. He has his head down so I can't read his face. I don't know what he is thinking which is driving me a bit crazy. When he finally moves it's all in one motion. He stands up closes the distance between us takes me by the hands standing me up and then kisses me. It's not a forceful kiss it's more gentle but earnest. Our lips moving slow but in sync his tongue gliding against mine. He lets go of my hands to bring his hands to my cheeks as he pulls back to look me in the eyes. I'm shocked but it's a pleasant shock.

"I thought we were going to let me be the judge of things?" He finally breathes eyes staring into mine with that beautiful smile of his.

"Yes we did". Is all I can say before I wrap my arms around him to hug him with what is left of my strength. I burry my face in the crook of his neck and breath him in. He smells amazing and the smell of him begins to erase the smell that has haunted me for months.

Eventually we pull apart and Louis gives me some privacy as I clean myself up to make myself presentable. I wash my face off and change into a white sweater given my shirt is a little tear stained. I haven't been wearing makeup much but I feel like given my eyes are puffy I might need a little it would help me look better. After about fifteen minutes I feel like I look less like death and come out of the bathroom. Louis is sitting right in the chair where I left him and I'm still astonished. I just can't believe he's here. Not because he's a pop star who can have anyone he wants but because he saw me lose it and didn't run for the hills. He cares, he's open and he wants to be here.

"Hi". I say as I go over to him. He stands up to wrap me in another hug.

"Hi yourself. Feel better?"

"As better as I can be. I don't know when I will be able to tell you what's going on in my head but I know I feel more like I want to."

"I'm here no worries we have time...we'll not much your family is waiting and Alberto is getting hangry". He says laughing.

Poor Alberto I forgot all about him. I wonder what he must think. I'm so embarrassed as he's been standing out there waiting for Louis who has been in here trying to help a lost girl. Louis must sense my change in mood because he tilts my head up to look in my eyes. Reading some emotion I haven't verbally conveyed he says "He is fine he not only gets paid for what he's doing he is actually pretty awesome and just wants to make sure you're ok. Now shall we go to dinner?"

"Are you sure you don't want to head back? It's been a long day and I'm sure someone is wondering where you are."

"I'm off for a few days before the tour starts back in France. My mum knows where I am and says hi by the way. So we are set. As you said we don't have a lot of time to spend together before you go home. I'll take what I can get now and then we will figure out everything else."

The way he says it with such confidence and how he says we makes my heart flutter. Did he just say his mom says hi? I'm in this very strange alternate reality I know it but I'll take it. I smile at him take his hand then head outside. Alberto is sitting in a chair with a magazine in hand as well as a cup of something on the ground next to his leg. He smiles when he sees me then tells Louis he has the car ready to take us to dinner. He also says to tell my mom thanks for the chair and things. It is just so strange that my mom is taking care of my pop star friends bodyguard. Apparently Brad and my family went on to dinner and we are expected to meet them. I know my sisters are going to have tons of questions. For now I'm just going to enjoy this drive with Louis to the restaurant.