Honey and Gold - Young Royals

Untold Truths

      Simon has never found it this hard to avoid looking at a certain person but this time it seems almost impossible not to lock eyes with Wilhelm. He finds it funny just how far away a person can feel despite being in the same room. He wants nothing more than to grab his hand and take him away even if it's only for a few minutes. Their conversation in the hallway was too short and too vague. He wants to hold Wilhelm and listen to his voice for hours, to hold him and make sure he gets the sleep he probably hasn't been getting. They had only been away for a couple of weeks but he could immediately sense there was something wrong with Wille. Something that is weighing him down and Simon wanted nothing more than to be there for him, but it's been made clear that's not his place anymore.

        Before he knows it, the choir is finished and he feels himself be ushered to the side by Jan. As he prepares to exit the room he sneaks a single glance towards a certain prince and feels his heart break at the sight. The silent tears that fall from Wilhelm's eyes have Simon stop in his tracks, and the fact that no one else seems to notice or offer any consolation makes him unbelievably angry. He's seconds away from marching up to Wilhelm himself and wiping his tears in front of everyone if he has to, but stops himself once he sees the blonde regain his composure and start to play the role of Prince Wilhelm once again. Not being able to bear witness to this, he turns around and makes way towards one of the empty classrooms. He can hear footsteps follow him, and without turning around he knows it's Jan right behind him. On most days like these he would rather deal with all this alone, but today he appreciates the company of another.

      He stands by the window waiting for Jan to join his side and looks out to the courtyard listening to the sound of the other students laughing, the chatter of their conversations, feeling like that's an entirely different world he will never be a part of. He can feel his face start to heat up and the tears that threaten to fall. In the end it's the feeling of Jan's hands patting his back that do it for him, and he lets it all out. It takes him a few minutes to calm down and turns to his friend, who is probably waiting for an explanation.

      "You don't have to tell me if you don't want Simon. You know that right?" He can only nod at her before telling her everything.

      "I thought I'd be used to all this by now," he says, gesturing to their surroundings, "you know" He sees the slight confusion in Jan's eyes before continuing. " I always feel like they have their own world that I'll never be allowed to enter. I don't have mommy and daddy's money to go to all these fancy places over break. They look at me like I am an inconvenience to them and I can do nothing about it." It's at these words that realization dawns on Jan's face.

      "Oh Simon, this is more than just Wilhelm isn't it?" The sadness in her voice only makes him feel worse because it only validates his emotions more.

      "I thought I was making it all up in my head but I'm clearly not. Not when everyone else I talk to that isn't rich or white, can agree with every single thing I say Jan. I thought I would be used to all of this by now, but every time I go away for a while and then return, it's like I'm back to square one. I feel so out of place and angry. Angry at the fact that they do not even acknowledge the privilege they have and instead continue on with their lives as ignorant as they want to be. I'm angry at the way some of them look at me when I speak Spanish. It's days like these that I want to leave and never come back. If it weren't for my scholarship Jan, I think I would've left ages ago."

      " I know that exact feeling Simon. Trust me."

      "There's nothing wrong with being Latino and gay Jan, so why is it that some of them make me feel like its something to be ashamed of? It's just who I am."

      "There's nothing to be ashamed of Simon. If anything, those who are ignorant and small minded should be the ones to feel ashamed. I promise you Si, there's nothing wrong with being who you are. Existing in a place like this, where no one really looks like you or shares your language is tough but you're a strong guy and I know you always put one foot in front of the other, and that's what matters the most. Don't let them take that away from you." She doesn't know when she started to cry too but something about Simon's words hit home for her as well. She knows these feelings all too well.

      "You know Jan, in a way I feel like Wilhelm and I were doomed from the start. Putting aside that I'm also a guy, I don't share that type of status or money. I don't have extravagant stories to exchange over dinner and I don't have certain privileges because I'm not white." Simon can't place a finger on what exactly triggered all of this. He's become adjusted to this world, it's been some time since he's been thrown into it, but sometimes it becomes too much and the facade of the strong and unbothered guy just breaks. He'd rather have someone or something he can blame for triggering all these feelings but he knows that it always creeps up on him when he's least expecting it.

      "Simon, you know Wilhelm is not like that."

      "I know he's not Jan, but too many people are. They would rather see that girl next to him than bear the thought of him being next to me." He hates to say it out loud because it means it's true but there's no going back. Ever since that video of them was leaked, nothing can ever go back to how it was. Instead he just lets Jan hold him for the time being. It wasn't his intention to make her cry but he figures there's nothing wrong with crying every once in a while with a friend.

      "You know Si, I think you two would have made a perfect couple. To hell with the expectations of others." He turns to face her and can't help but let out a small laugh.

      "You're an amazing friend Jan, you know that?" Simon is rarely this vulnerable around others but something about having Janine besides him makes him feel like he can tell her everything.

      "I try my best," she smiles at him.

      "Jan?" Simon calls out.

      "Yes Si?"

      "Is it possible to be there for someone without actually physically being there?" He can't bring himself to ask this directly but knows that Jan will understand regardless.

      "Is it possible to be there for Wilhelm without actually physically being next to him?"

      "Yeah" Sure enough she got it.

      "I'm not sure honestly." she says. If he's being honest he can't tell either.

      "He looked so different Jan, it was like it was a ghost of him standing in front of me earlier. He looked so miserable and all I wanted to do was just hide him away from everyone and make sure he gets all the love and care he deserves."

      "I'll admit that the face he puts up for others can't compare to how he looks at you Simon. Trust me, it was so easy to tell he loves you just as much as you love him. For what it's worth, I'm still rooting for you two."

      "Then I'm sorry to disappoint Jan" He knows that there's no future for them, so why give himself false hope.

       "Want to bet on it?" He can hear the teasing in her voice and can only laugh at her words. He notices the rest of the students starting to head back and takes that as their cue to start heading back to their classes. He takes a minute to mentally prepare himself before Jan drags him out of the room. He can't help but wonder just how long he can avoid Wilhelm for. 

Hellooooo! It feels so good to finally be able to start writing again. I intentionally made this chapter be more on the serious side of Simon's character because in my opinion it really emphasizes who Simon is. He's such a complex character, and is more than just Wilhelm's tragic love story. As a woman of color who attends a pwi, I often found myself and other poc friends experience some of the thoughts/feelings that Simon talks about with Jan. I don't want to write Simon off as a guy with love problems, I hope to write him for who he is as an individual and that includes taking a look into his identity and how someone in his shoes feels most of the time in our world. Please bear in mind that this was really only a summarized version and the tip of the iceberg for what some students really go through. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story once more. <3