In the Next World~ Namjin

At My Worst

Jin's POV

You piece of shit! why could you not be like other boys of your age? Play football or baseball, bully a few kids, and look more like a guy? Rather than a twink stuck in the kitchen with your mother and proclaiming about wanting to be a patisserie.

I am sick of you and your ramblings, why aren't you like your Hyung? Maybe I was cursed by the gods to have you as my second child, I don't know what sins I committed in my past life to have you as my child, one look at you and I feel sick to my stomach. Bloody dimwit, get the hell away from me, Appa screamed at me as I stood there silently accepting all the insults hurled at me, I was accustomed to it by now and there was simply no way to get away from it.

My family suffered from a financial crisis, my father who was a respected businessman had lost it all due to certain debts and now ran a small grocery store right below our house, I was ten when the tragedy occurred and for a child, it was not easy to comprehend why we had to leave our high-end apartment in Hannam dong and come live in a one-bedroom unit in dobong-gu, with the remaining savings my father opened a small grocery store and bought a unit right above it and my mother to support my dad started a small home-made kimchi business. It was then that I saw my father change from a loving man to an unknown person who was always agitated, he would constantly yell at my mother and us, create havoc around the house, and complain about how he was sick of living in this cramped up space and wished that his sons could grow up as soon as possible to get back all that he had lost.

Hyung was always more intelligent than me, he was a top student in his class and thus my father's beloved son, in him he saw the hope of getting back his lost life, I was always my mother's baby, I loved helping her in the kitchen, my mother was an excellent baker as well and she was the one who taught me how to make a mocha, a memory still afresh. But my appa never approved of it, he would always hit me to rectify my habits, force my mother to not give me meals so that hunger makes me realize my mistake and not commit them again, at times I looked at his affection for my brother and I wondered how could his behavior change drastically between his two sons? When the beatings and scolding's got too much to bear I would look at my oemma, to intervene and save me from appa's wrath but she always stood in a corner with her head stooped low and I detested her for it.

After seven years of suffering in silence and I decided to run away from home, not that my leaving would matter to anyone, my oemma never interfered in the matters concerning me, Hyung was always preoccupied with his studies to overlook the fact that his younger sibling was suffering and appa for him I was as good as dead. So I left a short but precise note on the dinner table the morning I left- "you don't need to come looking for me, I was always unwanted and a burden. I shall not burden you with my presence anymore, appa can be satisfied with his older child the one whom he adores, and oemma I have nothing to say to you, please take care of yourselves."

At 17 I worked a few part-time jobs and enrolled myself in a government night school where I was preparing to get a scholarship in the culinary department of Seoul National University and the hard work did pay off. But there are days when I miss my oemma especially when I am sick or hurt, just like today.

The wetness on my cheek broke my reverie, I missed the family I never belonged to, living alone made me realize a lot of things and I could no longer blame that family as much as I did earlier. My dejected father had no other way to show his grief than anger and subjected me to it, though it was wrong of him to do that when in grief we seldom realize the hurt we inflict on others, my mother who I remember as standing in a corner of our cramped up house, her head stooped low unable to voice what she felt because she was dependant on my father, she had no identity when we were rich and she still didn't have one when we lost it all and I pitied her because maybe in her eyes there were graveyards of lost dreams, dreams she gave up on for us, dreams that she recollected every night when she pretended to sleep, my hyung who I despised but burdened with the sins of a father, who had succumbed his wishes and desires to our fathers and no longer lived his age but the age of a man who had goals to achieve for someone else. I sympathized with them but I never wanted to return to them because living alone made me realize maybe I was unfit for any form of human relationship.

Jin!!!! I heard a familiar voice and a loving touch on my shoulder and I turned to my side to see a concerned Jung kook sitting next to me, with worry laced in his black orbs.

Are you okay? Why are you crying? Are you in pain? He bombarded me with questions and I paid no attention to any of it, just to the fact that there finally was someone in my life who cared for me, who accepted me for who I am and not for what I could give them seeing Jung kook I felt a particular connection with him, one I could not name and it made my heart so full.

I am fine Jung kook don't worry, I gently smiled at him.

You don't look fine to me with a cast on your hand! Just what were you up to? how did you end up getting into an accident? He asked anxiously.

I-I was in a rush, I had to get to my part-time job at this bakery near the university and ended up not paying attention to the traffic light, I sheepishly smiled at him.

But don't you have a scholarship? a part-time job for what?

I do have my expenses to look after so I do need a job.

You don't have to worry about it, from today I will sponsor you, all your expenses will be bored by me, he tenaciously spoke.

Jung kook you don't have to do that for me, please you have already done enough I mean I know I am getting all this executive treatment because of you, I am grateful for it but I beg you not to do anything more, this is more than enough, I stuttered.

Jin, he spoke calmly placing his palm atop mine, I told you about my appa right, and how you remind me of him? Consider it as something I am doing for him, he always had a dream of owning a bakery one which he could not fulfill, I had promised myself years ago that one day I will fulfill it for him but now when I see you, I see my appa's wish being fulfilled along with your if I could support you in it and that will be a way of paying homage to my appa, he ruefully smiled at me.

Why don't we become each other's family then? I gently spoke, we both crave a love we never had so let's be that love for each other? What do you say Hyung?

Kookie, please address me as kookie and we are already each other's family, he smiled at me.

I tried my best to hug him with a broken arm and he chuckled at my attempt engulfing me in a gentle but warm hug making me shed a silent tear. I finally had a family I craved and I shall cherish it till my last breath, Perhaps I was fit for some human relationships.

A/N: A small insight on Jin's past, and why he is all alone in Seoul. If this is triggering for some of you, I am sorry but I wanted to address this issue by the means of this story, adults who grow up to be distant from certain people or relationships, sometimes it's their childhood traumas that follow them like shadows which refuses to leave and trust issues accompany it.

I hope you appreciate the attempt and the update.

I purple you all.

Please take care of your health.