The Recording I left Behind- (lady gaga)

𝚕𝚊𝚜𝚝 𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚎

It was the end of 2006, and this day was an absolute shit. It had to be said.
I had just finished my job so I went to Stefani's apartment to see how she was doing.
She gave me her backup keys in the case I needed them.
I entered slowly and instantly glared at my sight.

There was bottles everywhere, alcohol and more alcohol. Clothes scattered on the floor, smashed bottles and cups.
"What the hell just happened here?"- I thought.
I didn't see Stefani anywhere so I went to the bedroom and my heart stopped in that moment.
Ricky and Stef.

I wasn't sure about what I had just seen.
They were both so drunk, that I was sure.
A million thoughts ran thought my head in that moment and it made me nauseous.

"What.."- I wasn't able to say anything else. I couldn't even process this.
I let my cigarette fall from my hand to the floor and stayed there in shock.

She was only in her underwear, on top of him, he was laughing with a bottle in his hand, she moved slowly in a drunk way.
This hit me like a bullet.
When Stef looked at me I could feel the realization in her stare. Her eyes opened and she got up, running to me, almost falling on floor.
Ricky looked confused, but he realized the shit he did too.

"I'm so sorry, I have no idea what I'm doing."- she slowly tried to justify herself.

"No."- I said. "Stay there."- I threw my hands up and stepped back.

I stopped her from coming closer to me. She looked sad and disillusioned with herself, and so was I.
She was everything to me, I gave her everything I could, I tried to help her, I always made sure she was happy. In what did I fail at?
I started debuting if I ever had the chance to really meet her, maybe I never did, so I fell for the idea of her and maybe I was wrong about her all this years we have been together.
But I wanted to believe I wasn't right about that.

A tear fell from her eye, she was drunk but deep inside she knew what was gonna happen next.
I looked at Ricky one more time, with no tears, then looked at Stefani, with no expression, I finally turned around and walked away, this time, with no regrets.

"Don't leave, I'm so sorry."- she whispered one more time.

I was angry for what happened, I was angry for staying for so long, I was angry for trusting Ricky, for helping Stefani... for loving her.
But I had to compose myself, so I took the subway to my dorm.
When I arrived I sat on my table, took a deep breath but it was useless.
I smashed a cup on the floor and then went to sleep, I had to forget this for a second... or hours.

In the other day I woke up with 13 missed calls from Stefani and a huge headache.

"Oh, not this now."- Calling her wasn't something I wanted, but I had to, even if it's just to say that I don't want to see her ever again.
And so did I.

"Johanna? Hi."- she whispered on the other side of the line. I could see she was trying not to cry.

"What do you want?"

"To apologize."

"Stefani, I don't need your apologies."

"I was drunk."

"Uhm, yes I'm totally aware of that."

"Sorry."- she couldn't even form whole sentence.

"Don't call me again, Stefani."- I was going to hang up when I heard her voice again.

"Johanna, please don't hang up. Listen, I was drunk, he was drunk, I didn't mean to do that."

"It doesn't make anything better. What was he doing there? Why were you both drinking crazy together? How the hell did alcohol make you forget you had a girlfriend? Please, Stefani. Make a favor to yourself and don't call me again."- I hang up.

It hurt a lot to say, not gonna lie.
I still loved her so much but I can't forgive her. I've always been very intolerant about cheating.
What hurt the most was to watch her calling me over and over again after this and I shouldn't answer. I couldn't.

I had to talk to someone, but who?
I called Ethan, I don't know why, he was Ricky's crazy friend, he had no notion of life, but I had his phone number just right there.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Ethan. I'm sorry for calling, I don't even know why I called you."

"Are you okay?"- he understood something was wrong.

"Eh, not really. Sorry for the random question but does Ricky like Stefani?"

"What? What do you mean?"

"Shit. Okay, I found him with her. That's what happened."

"Oh, you mean like..."

"Yes, like that."

"Well, Richard liked her. He didn't say he was madly in love with her, you know. But Rick surely cared about her and all that stuff. I'm sorry if that happened to you."

"Do you think they had something before?"

"I don't think so. At least he never told me anything about it. Did he drink before that?"

"Yes, both of them."

"And... did you break up with her?"- he hesitated before asking.

"Yes. Yes, I think I did."

"Hey... I'm really sorry. I know you really cared about her. I have no idea what got into her mind, 'cause she liked you a lot too. She always talked about you with us."- I noticed myself smiling while he said that. How pathetic, I shouldn't be smiling.

"Well, I don't know what happened either and I'm sad that this ended up this way but it's for the best. Thank you, Ethan. You're a good one."

"No problem. We'll miss you around here, Johanna."