The Recording I left Behind- (lady gaga)

𝚠𝚎 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚋𝚎𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘𝚐𝚎𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛

Months after the tour started, everyone loved it, she won a lot of awards and it all happened because of the important message it hold.
The only problem was that sometimes you can't accept yourself fully, and you never know when you will.
Sometimes you see the acceptance very far away or even unreachable. And, unfortunately, that was Stefani's case.

We had a really hard conversation before the tour started, when we were still able to talk properly before the stress and pressure increased.

"Stef, are you okay, love?"- she seemed so down.

"I'm fine."- she didn't even look at me.

"Come on, I know something's wrong."- I sat by her side on the couch and took her hands with mine.

"I just don't know how much time I will keep hiding."

"I already told you, take your time, I'll wait for you. I know it's not easy to be famous and tell this to the whole world."

"I just feel stupid for telling everyone I like girls too but then can't admit I have a girlfriend. I'm so sorry, Johanna."

"Babe, it's fine for m-"- she interrupted.

"No, I don't want you to keep waiting for me. I can't watch you waiting for so long. You deserve someone else who can give you a real life, who can show you to the world. And that person is not me."

"Stefani what are you taking about? You can't give up now, your confidence about this grew a lot, you've been improving so much since before."- I still believed she was very close to the acceptance.

"No, I never changed. I've never been able to fully show this part of me to the public and I don't think I ever will. I'm sorry."

"Stef, what do you mean?"

"I'm so sorry."- she broke down crying.

"Are you breaking up with me?"- I grabbed her chin softly and frowned.

"It's for the best, Johanna. I love you and I always will, but I need to set you free. I love you too much to keep doing this."

I just kissed her with the only strength I had left, grabbing the back of her head. I felt her hands going to my waist, pulling me closer to her.
I whispered "don't leave me" many times during the kiss, I begged for her to stay, but we couldn't do anything for something that was already over.
A tear ran from my eye and her's started to fell right in the next second.
I was trying to enjoy that moment more than anything in my life, because I knew it was going to be the last kiss we shared and possibly the last moment we would have together.
__

I've learnt from Stefani that fame can deprive you from a lot of things and if you're not brave enough, you'll need to hide yourself.
I don't blame Stefani and I can't call her coward for this. The decision she made was a lot more brave.
I didn't quite understand why she did that at first, but now I do.
She was right, we couldn't live a lie for the rest of our lives, we couldn't pretend we were not together, it was not healthy for Stefani and not fair for me.

We had a peaceful break up, we were sorry for each other, I wasn't mad at all. Instead, I was grateful.
I was just having trouble trying to picture my future without her. I could try to find someone else but last time I did it, she couldn't get away from my head.
Every move, every moment, every song, everything led me back to her.

I headed to the streets, tears steaming down my face.
It hurt a lot but it was for the best.
Every step I took was now with freedom, but I didn't want that freedom for anything, I wanted her.
I could just accept the fact we had to hide this forever and go back to her, but deep inside I knew Stefani couldn't keep doing this.
If I wasn't doing this for myself, I was doing it for her, and that's the only thing that made me accept it and leave.