Destined For The Mafia (18+) (3 of 3)

Chapter 31 - Cold

[Cat's POV]

Gone.

The first word I wake up to in my mind.

She's gone and it's my fault.

There was no way to know. I was so early. I didn't show, that was how early. But as soon as she left me, I knew she was a girl.

And I felt a piece of me die with her.

I feel dead. Like a zombie walking through my old life and not recognizing anything or anyone. Not recognizing myself. I feel gone. Broken. Empty. So, so empty. Like a part of me is missing. In my heart. In my womb. In my mind. I feel like someone cut me open and left me to bleed out. Slowly and painfully.

I don't feel it every single second. When I'm working, it's less. When I see Stef smile, it's less. Not nothing, but less. But then I see my husband who doesn't deserve a wife like me and what I have done and it's worse. My husband who blames himself and I let him because it's easier than telling him how much it is my fault instead. It is so much easier to keep him away than even look him in the eye. And it's not fair. It's not. It's horrible. Disgusting. And then I feel worse again.

I think about that house... the warehouse... and it's worse.

The blood. The bodies. Worse.

Her screaming. Worse.

My knife to his throat... worse.

And then I see Stef's big eyes look up at me, and it's less again. More managable.

And then I touch my empty belly and it's worse.

I'm going crazy.

I didn't want another baby right now. I didn't think I wanted one. But then as I lost her, as I discovered I had her, and I wanted her. I wanted her to live. I wanted her to meet her brother and dad. I wanted Enzo to have the family he wanted. I wanted it all.

I went in that house. I lost her because of it. And I could never tell him that... he would hate me more than I hate myself. If that's possible.

I stand from my office chair, stretching my stiff limbs from the position I must have fell asleep in last night. I feel dirty. I always do now, but this is worse. I need a shower right now.

From the doorway of my office, I can see the wine cellar. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I turn and find the stairs.

"I'll be back," I mumble to Daria on my way upstairs as she passes me near the kitchen. She nods, trying to keep her face neutral. It's not. I know I look like shit.

I try our room first, praying Enzo already went down for breakfast. The door creaks open. Silence. I can breathe.

Grabbing a new outfit, a royal blue blouse with a long neck ribbon tie and black fitted pants that are too loose now, I head in the bathroom.

The moment the water hits me, I close my eyes and inhale deeply.

One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.

My eyes open.

Okay. I have to move now.

- - -

I find everyone outside on the deck sitting down for breakfast. Enzo spots me in the glass door first and my heart breaks even more.

I shove it down and open the door.

"Mama!"

"Hi, baby."

I ruffle Stef's hair and give him my best smile. My eyes find Enzo's. He understands and gets up.