Little Secrets, Little Bucky

Mama's Going Away

"I wish you didn't have to go," Bucky shifted where he was sitting on Y/n's bed while she packed. She was leaving for a conference in California, not only was she going to be across the country but she was leaving for a whole three weeks. He hadn't gone that long without her since she'd found out he was a little. She'd always been right there to look after him, never gone for more than a few days. "I'm going to miss you," he quietly admitted.

"I'm gonna miss you too, Buck," she said, coming to stand in front of him and guiding his face to look up at her. "But I'll be home before you even notice I'm gone."

"What happens if I go little?" He asked anxiously, "I don't wanna be little without my mama." Bucky flushed red at the childish slip, but Y/n didn't react, just pulled him into her chest, running a hand up and down his back.

"I'm not going to lie to you," She said after a few minutes. "You'll probably be little at least once and I won't be there. But we talked about this, Sam and Steve already said they'd help you out."

"It's not the same," he mumbled, "they can't do what you do."

"I know, Buck," she sighed, "but you can call me if you need to talk, and when I get home we'll do whatever you want."

"You're coming back right?" He asked quietly, "Like, this isn't some giant scheme to get out of our... situation?" He laughed a little but Y/n could tell there was a real fear there that she wasn't coming back.

"There's nothing for me to 'get out of'," Y/n reassured him, "I chose you, I chose to be your mama just like I chose to be your friend."

"Oh," Bucky couldn't find the words for what he was feeling, and settled instead for conveying his emotions in a different way. He wrapped his arms around her, holding on tight while her hand worked its way through his hair.

"I love you no matter what, big or little," she said, pushing him to lean back and look at her. "You're everything to me. I'd never leave you, Bucky." He nodded his head and she pulled him back into her, just holding him for a while before she finished packing.

...........

It had been exactly 17 days, 2 hours and 17ish minutes since Y/n left on her trip and Bucky was counting every moment until she got back. All he had to do was stay big for another 4 days. That's only 96 hours. 5,760 minutes. 345,600 seconds. So what if he was tired? So what if all he wanted was to curl up with his pacifier and his blankie and cry out all of the stress that he'd been pushing down? If it was going to feel right, Mama had to be there. Crying all alone didn't help nearly as much, the comfort that was provided while he cried was as important as the tears themselves, if not more so.

So Bucky ignored his headspace, pushing it down deep like he used to. He put his blankie and his stuffed animals in the closet and didn't go near Y/n's suite. All of his little stuff was there, and no matter how much he missed her, he didn't dare go near the door. He only watched crude, adult oriented shows, avoiding anything that Y/n would let him watch while he was little. He even stopped calling Y/n, instead opting to text her because every once in a while she'd say a familiar word or phrase and he'd find himself longing for her to do her 'Mama voice'. He was craving the gentle, caring tone she used exclusively when he was little and it made it incredibly hard not to ask for it.

Bucky was well aware that if he asked for it, Y/n would happily switch from friend to caregiver in a heartbeat. She'd let him call her before he went to bed, only about 6:30 her time, and she'd use that gentle tone of voice to walk him through bedtime. She'd tell him to go use the potty and brush his teeth, praising him when he remembered to put his pull-up on before getting all cozy in his jammies. And then she'd tell him a story or sing him a lullaby so that he could sleep. But it wouldn't be enough. He needed to be held, to be rocked to sleep by steady arms and know that when he woke up he wouldn't be all alone. He couldn't let her give him the fraction of what he wanted without destroying himself with his desperate desire for his mama's gentle touch.

Unfortunately, he wasn't the only one that knew he was overdue for a break. Steve and Sam had been paying close attention to the tells that Y/n had given them. They'd figured out that he wasn't eating or sleeping, he was clearly struggling. But every time they asked him if he was alright he'd shrug it off or dodge the question. When Sam left for his solo mission two weeks in, Steve got nervous. He'd never really been left alone with Bucky while he was little. He didn't know anything about little kids, he just followed his sister's and Sam's lead. If Bucky slipped while it was just the two of them it could be disastrous.

But the day before Sam was supposed to come home, Steve realized that he couldn't just stand by while Bucky ran himself into the ground. The other man was clearly struggling, and the entire time they were hanging out during the day he seemed one wrong move away from slipping. Steve finally said something after they ate dinner and were watching a scary movie on the couch.

"Can we watch something else?" Steve asked, setting the now empty popcorn bowl on the coffee table.

"Yeah, sure. How about Saw? Or Robot Chicken?" Bucky replied, trying to stay in 'big' tv options.

"How about Cars?" Steve suggested. It was one of little Bucky's favorite movies, he watched it almost every time he was small.

"No." Bucky shut Steve down immediately, hoping that he wasn't going where Bucky thought he was.

"It could be fun," Steve tried to convince him. "It's a funny movie and maybe you could 'relax' a little bit."

"I'm plenty relaxed, Steve." Bucky said before trying to change the subject. "How's Sam?"

"Sam's good," Steve said, "it's just a recon mission, he'll be home safe and sound tomorrow. Now stop trying to change the subject."

"I'm not changing the subject," Bucky said stubbornly, folding his arms across his chest.

"You haven't been taking care of yourself." Steve wasn't going to let Bucky destroy himself for the sake of his pride. "Maybe you need someone else to do it for a while." Bucky's face flushed red and Steve would've laughed at how much he looked like a petulant child if it weren't so heart wrenchingly close to the truth. Right now Bucky seemed like nothing more than a scared little boy that missed his mama, whether he wanted to admit it or not. "It's okay if you need to be little for a while," Steve said carefully, ignoring the outraged look on Bucky's face, "I don't mind looking after you for a little bit."

"That's enough," Bucky stood up from the couch and Steve followed.

"Bucky, you can't keep pretending that you don't need this," Steve said, irritation bleeding through in his voice.

Bucky exploded. "I don't need it!" He yelled, "And I don't need you!" It was silent for a moment, and Bucky immediately regretted what he said when he saw the hurt written all over Steve's face. "Steve, I didn't mean to-"

"No, it's fine," Steve interrupted. "Really, it doesn't matter."

"No, I shouldn't have yelled. I'm sorry." He'd just felt so frightened, so trapped, and he'd panicked. He wanted his mama more than ever now. "I just miss her, you don't understand."

"I don't understand?" Steve looked hurt all over again and all of a sudden realization hit Bucky square in the face. Of course Steve understood. Y/n may have been born long after Steve, but she was his big sister. Bucky wasn't the only one that she took care of, he wasn't the only one that was desperately missing her presence. Steve had been alone for so long in the ice, and now both his partner and his big sister were gone at the same time. He must've understood better than anyone how lost Bucky was feeling.

"Shit, Steve," Bucky sat back down on the couch, putting his head in his hands. "I've been a really shitty excuse for a best friend the last couple days haven't I?" He shoved his ever encroaching headspace even farther into the back of his head, Steve needed big Bucky right now. "Why don't we just watch a sitcom or something? Tomorrow we can have pancakes and then Sam will be home and I bet you'll feel better."

Steve understood what Bucky was doing, and as appreciative as he was he was still worried about his friend. But he knew he wouldn't get anywhere if he pushed. For now it was enough to curl up on the couch with warm blankets and candy that was stolen from Y/n's stash. They schemed ways to replace it before she got back and while The Office droned on in the background, they finally talked about how alone they'd been feeling. It wasn't quite what Steve was expecting, but it was a start. A very good start.