Little Secrets, Little Bucky

Fresh Start

When Bucky eventually arrived at Y/n's suite, she was in the middle of eating an early dinner. She offered him a bowl but he informed her that he'd already had dinner. She wasn't entirely convinced, but knew better than to push him. She made an addition to the list in her head of his suspicious behavior and finished her dinner quickly so that she could show him her plans for the evening.

She first showed him the collection of his comfort items and the outfit she had chosen. "If you don't like those clothes, we can pick something else," she offered, making sure he knew that she was willing to be flexible.

Bucky picked up the shirt and inspected it, a small smile appearing on his face. "No, it's nice," he said quietly. "Not too babyish, but still comforting."

"I figured I could do your hair after you get dressed," she said when he had finished looking over the clothes.

"You wanna do my hair?" Bucky sounded entirely surprised.

"Well of course I do," she laughed. "I told you I wanna make you feel taken care of today, didn't I?"

"I just didn't expect you to put so much effort into this," he said quietly, making Y/n's heart just about break. She couldn't help but remember the first time he had purposely been little with her. He'd been so surprised by the toy box she had put together for him, and now she was seeing the same surprise on his face. After everything they had been through, he still didn't expect to be given anything more than the bare minimum.

"You deserve the effort," she said gently. "And I'll always give it to you." Bucky smiled brightly at her words and she felt her heart swell. If she could get him to smile like that every day she could die happy. "You know I have even more stuff planned," she said. "Sensory videos, a movie, time on your playmat, baby massage-"

"What was that?"

"Baby massage? I saw a few people online saying that it helped them bond with their babies," she explained. "I thought it might help you work on setting boundaries."

Massage. Massage meant hands. Hands that would be touching him. Bucky could feel his skin crawl as he thought about the idea of having someone touch him like that. He stumbled back a bit, subconsciously attempting to create distance between himself and the bottle of lotion. He shook his head in an attempt to clear it but was only met with failure.

Bucky felt unfamiliar hands along his body as memories flowed through his head. They were cold and clinical, reaching and taking but never providing any comfort. He could feel himself losing control but was entirely unable to stop whatever was happening to him. Was it a panic attack? A flashback? He wasn't sure. All he knew was that there were hands and voices and all of a sudden he just wasn't where he had been before.

"Bucky? Can you take a deep breath for me?"

He heard her voice clear as day, cutting through the awful memories and chasing away the phantom violence on his skin. His face snapped up to look at her as he tried his best to focus on her expression. She watched intently, concern clear on her face as he tried to breathe correctly.

"Hey, it's okay if this is too much," she said softly. "All you have to do is say the word and I'll take it off our agenda."

"What?"

"You can say no," she rephrased. "It's alright."

Bucky's entire brain short-circuited. He was left standing there, entirely unsure of what to do. She knew. She knew he was uncomfortable, and she wasn't forcing him into it anyway. She wasn't angry or resentful. All she wanted was for him to set a boundary, to tell her what was okay.