Butterflies Volume II

Chapter 2

Butcher arrived at the safe house with Connect 4 in his hand and a solemn look. There was always self doubt, especially when seeing Ryan. There was always an echo of Becca at the back of his mind, how losing her twice crippled his self worth. He couldn't shrivel away any longer, he unfortunately had to force himself to face the burden he now put on himself. He was no father, he was not a good man. Ryan deserved better, and yet he would come running out to him.

"Butcher!" He gleamed as he collided with him, Butcher wrapping an arm around him.

"All right lad, how are you? You all right?" He chuckled.

"Yeah I'm good."

"Eh? Look at you, here you go," he handed him the game as they walked inside, "you'll never guess what that is."

He mirrored Grace's smile as they went inside, her consoling him like it was more than an act he had to put on. Of course Ryan made him feel better, but the doubt... It was two weights attached to his ankles, it mocked him as he tried to become a better man for Ryan. It was so taunting.

They sat in the living room with the game on the floor between them. He wanted something for them to do, something that could fill the time without making it awkward. Butcher could focus his mind away for a moment and let there just be peace. As Ryan dropped his yellow counter through, Butcher played dad.

"You done your homework?"

Ryan joked, "I hate math. Aunt Grace gets pissed when I'm wrong."

"Yeah, you and me both."

"...mum used to help. She was really good at math."

Butcher paused and played with a counter between his fingers. Trying to look away was all he could do not to let his face change.

"Yeah," he said, "she was a clever one."

"I had another nightmare."

"Same one? Your dad?" Butcher questioned.

"This time he... Burns everything down and then kills me," his voice grew quiet.

Sitting forward Butcher said, "one day, you'll be tough enough. And then he can't hurt you. But till then, you're safe here with the colonel. Honest."

Ryan nodded and then placed another counter at the top. Amongst all the talking, he had connected four, smiling. As he praised himself, Butcher glanced down and was baffled, smirking up at him.

"You cheeky little blighter."

That made Ryan laugh as he let the counters fall out the bottom, and it was much better to hear a laugh than talk nightmares. As Butcher had those too. He used to have them about Violet, remembering what he saw Homelander do to her. Her hands below his. Even before that it was Becca, what he did to her. And now he was faced with the possibility of what he would do to Ryan. It was the same dream every time and yet a new victim succumbed to the Lazer eyes. Each time he could do absolutely nothing to stop it. He was just an ordinary man.

As Ryan began to help pack the game away, he looked up to Butcher almost nervously, "can I ask you something?"

"Course you can."

"Why don't you bring that girl here, Violet? She was really nice," he was faced away from Butcher, and it was good he was as Butcher's face almost dropped.

"Oh I haven't seen her in a long time."

"Why not?"

He clenched his jaw, "we didn't have a lot in common."

"Oh- sorry."

He waved him off. Truly he wasn't sure if that was true, but if he found Violet now perhaps she would have changed enough so they would have nothing in common. He would have liked to have brought Violet, as her presence was always enough to calm him and maybe dissolve some self doubt. But that could have changed now too. It would not be worth finding her, as he would be doing exactly what he did at the beginning. He was better, he was not living the same as he was before, but involving her guarantees things go south.