Free to be

6

"Stop spacing out!" Erin batts my arm as I draw myself back to the science lesson, we are doing a practical so I am supposed to be concentrating. "what's wrong?" She hisses at me, glancing to make sure our teacher, an old battleaxes doesn't see our conversation. "You have been weird the whole week." It is true, my mind has been thinking about the best ways to approach the subject with the queen bee of the school. She has been the same as ever and I notice how she doesn't actively engage with the public, she walks and everyone parts. The only harsh word I have heard her utter is to me. I stepped on her toes. From everything I googled she is most likely trying to get control over one aspect of her life since she isn't in control of another aspect. I search through Parkers Social media (I borrowed Jenny's phone to do a quick recon) and find it suspiciously quiet since he posted a pick of his first day and week of UCLA. It gives me an uncomfortable feeling deep within my belly and I want to call it nausea but never having felt like this before I am not sure.

"Tori!" Erin hisses "You are doing it again!"

"Sorry." I mutter pulling the instructions towards me and trying to follow them, she doesn't say anything as we work quietly for the rest of the lesson but by lunch she broaches the subject again.

"I am just missing Ethel." I say as an explanation because it is true. I am missing her more than I realised I would. I have a detention this weekend because we have been late more than three times these last two weeks, Jenny always get her money late, to the point when she has started bring fruit with her so that she munches it while waiting at my locker. Our - my room is messy and I can't find half the things I need. Besides that I miss her and her ability to give great advice. She never left the house to go to college and despite not being at the same school everything continued as normal. The house ran smoothly. Not it feels like I am running around like a headless chicken and five steps behind the schedule.

"Sorry Tori, she is coming back next week right? for the game?" Erin asks kindly laying an arm on my shoulder and I nod, swallowing the lump in my throat and hating how emotionally untethered I feel.

"Want to get Ice cream after school?" Danna asks knowing my comfort food but I shake my head.

"I have practice later, catch up for when the gym was being fumigated on Monday."

I do not tell them that I am hopping to corner Sienna at some point today since I need to get this worry off my chest. I already know what they would say. Erin would tell me not to, afraid I will get hurt, afraid it will backfire. Danna will tell me to listen to what my heart is telling me and Jake would tell me that I need to mind my own business.

"Have you talked to Ethel since the wedding?" Erin asks and I nod, she calls every four days and chats about how her honeymoon is going. She asks after us but I can only tell her the good things, not wanting to disappoint her that I am not coping when she did so phenomenally. I do not want to guilt her, make her worry and cut her holiday short. I am supposed to be managing all this on my own now. Ethel is married and has a new life. I am left feeling like the last one to get a training bra all over again. Like I am missing some crucial developmental stage that everyone else seems to get.

"Why don't you all stop being such sad sippers and lets talk about how Mrs Denise hates us all." Jake says referring to the Principle who has just announced that all seniors are to be involved in the senior production this year and that we are expected to host at least one fundraiser for our prom. Well we all are involved in some extra-murals at school it does not include drama or production or even student organization and court. Danna and Jake are on the boys basketball team and Erin in the art classes. We are not meant to be on stage. We spend the rest of lunch discussing how it is going to turn out, laughing about how some people will be on stage and by the end of it I feel better. So much so that I bump my hip against Jakes on our way out the lunch room and send him a grin. He winks back at me, clearly knowing why I am smiling at him. I am thankful that I have friends like them.

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My chance comes right before basketball practice starts. I see the cheerleaders all gathered in the corner of the gym, waiting for their Captain to go onto the field. They are not in a hurry, lazing about and scrolling through their phones. I slip from the gym and back to the lockers room. Sure enough no one but Sienna is in there. She is tying her shoes and I find myself analyzing her outfit, her long sleeves, it is getting colder but most of her team is still in t-shirts to practice. I wonder if she is trying to hide something, bruises on her wrists for instance.

"What do you want?" I jump at her voice, louder than usual in the empty room, she hasn't even glanced up.

"How did you know I was here?"

"You breath loudly." she says finally finishing tying her shoe and looking up her blue eyes as icy as ever as they meet mine "What do you want?"

I search her eyes wanting how to approach it but deciding to just bulldoze my way, because I am not good at going around the bushes. "I saw you and Parker outside the Party last week." She posture stiffens exponentially and her eyes narrow. "He was hurti-"

"-No." She stands up, still shorter than me but clearly not taking any of my accusations. "What you saw was a momentary lapse in judgement, we were both heated after an argument and-"

"-He was hurting you." I insist shaking my head at her explanation "Even if it was an argument, he was hurting you and what he said-"

"-Is none of your business." She is worried, not angry, I can tell by how she has to bite her lips to stop them shaking, her arms are crossed against her defense, protecting herself. Suddenly I am glad for my sister psychology degree and how she used to get me to help her study. I notice the signs.

"It is if you are in an abus-"

"-Don't finish that sentence." She is up in my face in seconds, eyes blazing fire. "You have no idea what is going on so stop assuming!" She is shouting the a harsh whisper " Stay out of my business." She turns heading for the door. My chest feels heavy, how can she say that? how can she justify how he was treating her.

"Sienna," She pauses at the door but doesn't turn around "You deserve better than that, to be treated better."

"Leave out of it, Tori." She mutters before pushing out the room and disappearing, I let out a breath. Did I think it was going to go any better? I suppose I hoped she would say how she has broken up with him since and cut him out of her life, he is a waste of space and her time. Yet she defended him and it makes me angry and sad all at once. I have never had these many emotions running around my brain. Usually it is just basketball and school with a mix of family and friends, nothing complicated. Now it feels like I have two basketball teams in my heart and brain and they are all jumping around and shouting at each other. I can't decipher what anyone is saying. What I am supposed to do.

"Tori, practice is starting!" Eloise pops her head around the gym door, catching me standing there looking lost "You okay?" I nod, following her out of the locker rooms and trying my best not to look over at where the cheerleaders are gathering on the field. There is a glass wall on one side of the gym that faces the field and suddenly I hate it. I want to not have her there so close and yet so far in mind. What do I do?