There's always room for another

Chapter 19: 3.6 - the apologies

Yongsun watched Byulyi's kidnapper get led out of the courthouse with a can of cider in her hand. The news anchor became background noise as Yongsun looked at the scowling girl, being led away in handcuffs into a police car. Really looked at her.

She didn't look like a kidnapper. In fact, she didn't look anything other than ordinary.

Yongsun hated her for it.

Taking a long swig of her drink, Yongsun rested her head back on her couch as she took a deep breath. She was drunk-warm and sleepy, the sharp edges of her feelings eased by the alcohol.

"You're an idiot, Kim Yongsun," she murmured to herself, curling her fingers into a fist and opening them again, just like her therapist had taught her. "You're a stupid fucking idiot."

You're not , she imagined Byulyi saying to her, the ghost of her touch raising shivers up Yongsun's arm. You're just lonely and tired and sad .

Except sad wasn't the right word for it. Tired, maybe. Lonely, definitely.

I'm still here , Byulyi said, but when Yongsun rolled her head to look at where she normally sat, it was empty. Right in front of you .

Yongsun huffed to herself as she sat up to drain her can. Now she was just making things up again. In the beginning it had been a comfort to imagine

(To believe)

But now it stung. Left her feeling tight in her own skin.

On-screen, they were showing a photo of not-Byulyi. Of Yuna. Yongsun reached for the remote to turn it off but found she couldn't.

"You're not here, Byulyi. Not anymore." Yongsun set her can alongside the others on her coffee table. "You died on that bridge that night."

But I came back. To you , the familiar face on the television seemed to say. I'm here, Yongsun .

This time Yongsun did turn it off.

(She took a really deep breath.)

- - - - - -

Yongsun wouldn't say she could hold a grudge, per se. It was normal for hot feelings to linger long after the event happened, she rationalised. For it to filter through interactions and change the shape of the person you thought you knew into a mold of something else. But Yongsun had never seen the point of actively working to change that immediately. Feelings, as she had come to understand in the wake of Byulyi's absence, often had to be ridden out. To be felt and lived through. Yongsun had lived long enough with a sticky film of numb around her to know that to experience those rough feelings, sometimes, was a luxury.

But Yongsun also knew that it wasn't good to let them linger too long either. Like uninvited house guests who refused to go home.

Which was what brought her here, today. Sat on a bench on the university grounds, waiting. Seulgi had no idea she was here. Yongsun hadn't been brave enough to text her about a meeting, but she knew she needed to see Byulyi's sister. To see her friend.

It was Seulgi who spotted her first, slowing her steps to a stop as she stared. Yongsun raised a hand for a wave

(it felt a little like a surrender)

But that was enough.

"Unnie? What are you doing here?" Seulgi approached her slowly, squinting against the afternoon sun. Yongsun managed a weak smile.

"Hi Seulgi. We need to talk."

- - - - - -

"I want to apologise," Yongsun said, with no preamble once they were seated in the student cafe. She was aware of people giving her second looks, obviously trying to decide if they knew her or not, but Yongsun had made sure to come disguised in her comfiest sweats and hoodies -