Astonishing Us

XXIV

MY HEART HURTS, it feels like it is being twisted at the same time being ripped apart. My chest, it is tight and painful like something heavy yet so spiky were inside of it squeezing both of my lungs and heart, the pain is suffocating and unbearable for me, I thought Jaime cheating on me would be my greatest pain but it wasn't.

Greatest love comes together with greatest pain ever and this was it. Ridge is both my greatest love and greatest heartbreak. I closed my watery eyes shut as I turned off my phone and place it over my lap, screen down.

I tried my hardest not to cry but the pain is just too much for me to bear.

Those soft sobs escaped my trembling lips. It hurts mas masakit kesa sa naramdaman ko noon, the pain is nothing to compare with the pain my past failed relationship gave me. Walang-wala ang sakit na iyon sa sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayong.

Ang bigat-bigat ng dibdib ko, ang sikip-sikip non at wala kong magawa para lumuwag man lang ang naninikip kong dibdib pwera sa tahimik na umiyak sa ibabaw ng hospital bed ko.

Parang sinasaksak ng ilang ulit ang puso ko pagkakita ko pa lang ng video na iyon kanina, its Ridge. I know his body very well and it's really him, he did it while I was here inside this fucking hospital.

Big part of me isn't believing what I saw in that scandal spreading like a wild fire in social media, kahit gaano pa kadetalyado ang pagkakapareha ng Ridge sa bidyo na iyon sa Ridge ngayong, gusto kong maniwalang edited lang lahat, na lahat ng iyon kakagawan lang ng mga taong gustong sirain ang relasiyon namin ni Ridge. Mga taong nag-abang lang malamang may relasyon talaga kami para gumawa ng tuluyang ikakasira ng relasyon namin.

All the issues from fans of mine seeing Ridge with the same woman he was with in the scandal to malls, hotels and even on his way out of his company, to his investors pulling out their investments to his company for allegedly cheating on his super model fiancé, me, after one of his investors caught him kissing that woman named Snow inside his office. And then the sex video spreading through different websites and social medias.

With all of the evidence, I still believe in him, that unlike him, na pinaniwalaan ang bagay na gusto s'yang paniwalain ng eksenang nadatnan n'ya ng gabing iyon, paniwalaan na para bang wala s'yang tiwala sa 'kin at hindi n'ya ako kilala. With all of the evidence pointing to him, I still trust him, I still believes that Ridge isn't a cheater that he won't do the same bad decisions his exes did in their relationships, he won't break me that cruel.

He won't let me suffer from any kind of pain caused by cruelty of cheating.

He won't hurt me... Right?

I crumbled the comforter as both of my hands knuckles into fists as my soft sobs went louder, and louder until I was already crying hard and loud in the middle of my dark hospital room, alone.

He won't... Ridge won't hurt me... right?

NO. HE HURT ME. More than Jaime did. I am standing in front of him, with my bloodshot eyes widely opened, nakatingin sa madilim n'yang an'yo at matalim na mga berdeng matang nakatingin din sa 'kin.

He looks like a mess, his hair is messy, so his suit, maluwag ang necktie n'ya habang nakabukas ang una at pangalawang butones ng pangloob n'yang polo. Nakatayo s'ya sa pintuan ng opisina n'ya, hinayaan n'ya lang akong nakatayo sa labas para bang wala s'yang planong papasukin ako. And I know why, it's because that woman is inside his office.

"What the hell are you doing here!?" Galit na sigaw n'ya sa 'kin nakakinatalon ko ng bahagya at kinaigtad ko sa gulat.

Napakurap-kurap ako saka mabilis na pinunasan ang luhang pumatak mula sa mga mata kong kanina pa hilam dahil sa aking pagkurap. I held my ground and tried my hardest not to sob even though I feel like crying with how loud and angry his baritone voice is.

Bakit s'ya nagagalit na nandito ako? Hindi ba dapat natutuwa s'yang makitang gising na ako? Na okay na ako na hindi na ako nasa temporary comatose, dapat natutuwa s'yang maayos na ako na nasa harapan na n'ya ko. Bakit s'ya nagagalit bakit n'ya ko sinisigawan ng ganito.

"I-I came here to see you-"

"You shouldn't be here! Did I asked you to come here!? No, right! That means you're not supposed to be here!" He's fuming mad I can see it with how angry his handsome face is, he looks so mad that it is scaring me.

He grabbed my arm that made me flinched. Napa-igik ako sa higpit non habang hatak-hatak n'ya ko papasok ng elevator. Mas lalong nag-init ang mga mata ko sa pagkahilam sa luha, gusto ko ng pumalahaw ng iyak, gusto kong ipakita sa kaniyang nasasaktan n'ya ko hindi lang emosiyonal kung 'di pisikal na din. Napahikbi ako ng patulak n'ya kong pinasok sa loob ng elevator ng opisina n'ya.

"Go back to where the hell you have been! That is where you should be!" He shouted at me again.

I looked down when my tears started falling again.

He did hurt me and he is still hurting me. Marahas kong pinunasan ang mga luha ko bago nag-angat ng tingin sa kaniya. Pero ang tingin na dapat kay Ridge ko ipapako ay tumagos sa likuran n'ya ng may babaeng magulo din ang an'yo na lumabas ng opisina ni Ridge.

Nagparte ang mga labi ko ng makita ang hickey sa leeg ng magulo ang buhok na si Snow, pati sa cleavage nito ay merong hickeys, ng makita ang mga iyon ay hindi ko na napigilan pang hindi umiyak ng may tunog. I sobbed in front of Ridge that I couldn't see clearly anymore because of my blurry sight that was caused of the hot tears in my eyes. Nakita ko s'yang lumingon sa babaeng nasa likuran n'ya, bago s'ya muling bumaling sa 'kin at humakbang papalapit.

Humihikbing umiling ako sa kaniya saka mabilis na pinindot pasara ang pinto. Ang sakit, sobrang sakit ng dibdib ko, hindi na lang s'ya basta naninikip parang merong miliyong-miliyong karayom na sunod-sunod at sabay-sabay na tumutusok sa puso ko habang napakabigat din non, ang sakit sobrang sakit. I feel like my stomach is being flipped and twisted too, everything is painful.

The truth is painful, truth that Ridge betrayed and hurt me too.

"Bubbles—" the elevator's door closed that cut Ridge's voice.

Just like Jaime, your pretender enjoying fooling me around.

____

THENAUGHTYGRAY