Re-shaping the Universe (Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency)

Chapter 9

Todd had made it through safely. Dirk was on his own. He was stuck there, as far as he could tell – and his hunch had been right, it had been nothing to do with the words that had been spoken. As much as he believed in magic (hard not to, after Wendimoor), he couldn't shake the feeling that the book wasn't a magic book. Amanda had her wand, sure – but this book was hand-written and type-writer notes, not what the Mage had had back in Bergsberg. It can't have been magic.

Still, Dirk opened the book for the fiftieth time, found the words, and spoke them out loud. Nothing happened.

"Ohhhhh WHY IS THIS NOT WORKING?!" Dirk cried, stomping around. "Come on! I cannot and will not become a palm tree!" He looked around the room again, eyes darting here and there. There had to be a clue. What was Todd doing before he slipped through something? Dirk started to pace. He could feel his life energy, the very essence of him, fading away. Not good; he'd already been there two hours. Why couldn't he find a way back? He started to cry. He'd come all this way; escaped Blackwing twice, ended it for good, made friends, gained confidence, gained happiness, stability. It couldn't end with him becoming a palm tree! He sank down the wall and sobbed into his hands.

"This... this was probably always how it was going to end, wasn't it?" he murmured to himself. "Lost and alone in another dimension with my life force ebbing away, until I become a palm tree. Dirk the palm tree. Ficus Dirkus." He sighed, wiping his eyes. "Maybe I should have just stayed in Blackwing... at least those tests would have kept me safe."

"C-can I help you?!" A young woman's voice broke him out of his reverie. Dirk looked up. The woman had long, curly ginger hair that went all the way down to her waist. She was holding a frying pan, shaking.

"Oh... sorry... this must be your home. Me and my friends were looking for a way back through the portals we came through. But I'll go. Sorry to bother you." Dirk stood, miserable.

"D-don't come any closer! I'll hit you!" the woman cried. Dirk didn't have time to think. She swung the pan hard, hitting Dirk right on the side of the head. He fell to the floor. "I've called the police! They're on their way!"

"The police?! Oh – come on – that's a bit much, don't you think?! No, actually, you're arguably within your rights to call them, I am trespassing, but I didn't actually break and enter, and nor am I GOING TO ATTACK YOU SO PLEASE PUT THE PAN DOWN!" Dirk rolled away as she brought the pan crashing down to the floor, right where Dirk's head would have been.

"I WILL KILL YOU! TRESPASSER!" the pan hit more and more things as Dirk scarpered, running through the house, through each room, trying to find an exit.

"I'M SORRY I CAME INTO YOUR HOUSE! I DIDN'T MEAN TO! I'M TRYING TO FIND A PORTAL BACK TO MY DIMENSION SO I CAN CARRY ON WITH MY LIFE AS NORMAL BEFORE I BECOME A PALM TREE!" Dirk thundered down the stairs, and the frying pan flew past his head as he reached the bottom, hitting the wall with a dull thud. Dirk halted, and the woman ran down after him, launching herself on his back, putting him in a chokehold. Dirk spun around, gasping for air.

"I've called my father! He's on his way too! And my brother! And my cousin! And MY BROTHER'S FRIENDS!"

"Is there – anyone you – haven't called?!" Dirk gasped, trying to pull her off him.

In the house next door, Jamie's bedroom was silent. Suddenly, through the wall...

"...PUT THE PAN DOWN!"

"...TRESPASSER!"

Todd and Farah looked at each other. They looked at Miss Rutherford, who was clutching Jamie to her chest, the boy now fully well again.