Never in a Million Years |N.R|

|25| A storm is coming.

I had wanted to stay sat on that roof all night long, watching the stars and the city lights, but Nat quickly noticed when I started shivering. I was half asleep as she pulled me to my feet and started walking us back to our room, my head rested on her shoulder and my arm around her waist as hers pulled me into her side. All of my worries had been forgotten for the time being, as all my mind could spare to feel was peace.

I brushed my teeth in the bathroom whilst Nat got some clothes out for us. But when she came in to brush her own I refused to go and get into bed without her, instead cuddling her from behind with my arms wrapped around her waist.

Sometimes when I was struggling I needed closeness, but most often I needed to be alone. Nat had once told me how much that worried her, so she always savoured the times I seeked comfort in her rather than myself. So as I held onto her I could practically feel the warmth in her chest from my action, I just hoped she could feel the warmth in my own.

Once she'd finished, only having quickly washed her face instead of doing her usual skincare, she pulled me to the bed by my hand and tucked me in. Seconds later she joined me at my side, and I wasted no time in cuddling up beside her, my head on her chest as she played with my hair and I draped my arm over her stomach. Anything to feel close to her, even though it never felt like enough.

"Y/n." She whispered, clearly hoping that I hadn't drifted off quite yet. Luckily for her I was only just holding onto consciousness.

"Hm" was all I offered in reply, snuggling my head further into her chest and exhaling deeply. It felt like I could finally breathe again after a suffocating day.

"Can I ask you why you got annoyed earlier? What hurt you? I know you've apologised and we're past it, but it still matters to me why." All of a sudden the peace I'd managed to find myself in, was lost. Every feeling that was certain to return in the morning decided to reappear earlier than expected at the cost of my sleep. It wasn't Nat's fault but her question still bothered me. We were past it, so what was the need to talk about my feelings?

"I told you already. The lullaby." I tried to brush it off, desperate to forget about it altogether. But of course Nat had other plans.

"I know, but what about it? You never explained." Her hand that wasn't playing with my hair reached down to grasp my own. I hadn't realised that I'd been furiously picking at my cuticles.

"It doesn't matter, honestly. It was stupid."

"It does matter Y/n. It matters to me, so please tell me what happened."

"You're not going to drop this are you?"

"Not until you tell me what was bothering you. You can't care so much for me but not let me do the same for you." Those words quickly reminded me of what Tony had said, and how much sense he'd made.

"Ugh, fine." At that, I pulled my hand and hair free of Nat's grasp as I sat up to explain myself. There was no point torturing myself with her comforts if I knew she'd be pissed at me in the next few seconds. I wouldn't have those comforts for a while, I was sure of it.

I had my back to her as I explained, too ashamed and scared to see her expression as I exposed my insecurities to her. As far as I could tell, she just remained sunk back into her pillow as I fought to get the words out.

"It was something you did to him. To his wrist." I hung my head with a huff, already embarrassed by my level of insecurity.

"What do you mean?" That didn't help, instead it just added salt to the wound. Maybe it really was just a meaningless technique, one that she'd adopted for Bruce's benefit and only used on me on a whim. No thought or sincerity behind it at all, and no regard for how much it would mean to me.