Never in a Million Years |N.R|

|55| Words aren't enough this time, my love.

2 months, 4 days since 'The Garden'.

Things were awkward between Nat and I, which was a feeling our relationship had never really been privy to.

Unlike in the past when I'd messed up, there was nothing that I could do to resolve the situation this time. Because it wasn't simply a misguided mistake, or a small act of defiance, I'd willingly gone behind her back and put myself in harms way when she'd begged me not to. As well as that, I'd knowingly put myself in danger of being hurt (which I was) when I'd made many a promise to always come back to Nat.

So running towards said danger was a blatant show of deceit, which compromised one of the very foundation blocks of our partnership - trust.

Therefore, the ball was in Nat's court, and I had no intentions of rushing her to come to a decision or a resolution, despite being desperate to hear either. I had to be patient, and act with grace.

After mulling over the whole situation for about the hundredth time that morning, I dragged myself out from beneath the covers of the otherwise empty bed and made my way into the bathroom. When it became clear the day after the incident that Nat was nowhere near a point of forgiveness, I snuck into our room whilst she was working and collected some of my things.

Not all of them, because I had to have some hope, and I didn't want to convey some sort of message that I'd given up or was bowing out. If one of us had to fight for what we had, then it was me, since I'd been the one to deliver such a devastating blow to our otherwise solid partnership. It was certainly more of a responsibility for me than it was for Nat, and I hoped she realised that I saw that.

Because we weren't really talking. Neither of us were avoiding the other, or weren't going to any extreme lengths to do so at least, we were both just living around the other in a sort of quiet contemplation.

It was painful not to hold or touch her in anyway, but that was just another consequence I'd brought upon myself. What hurt more was the fact that she was missing out on that contact too, all because of me.

In fact as the hours passed, I grew to resent myself more and more with each one. I'd never realised quite how selfish I could be, and I vowed to change that in every waking moment. That, and a lot of other things.

With a familiar frown marring my face, as well as deep bags hanging beneath my eyes from exhaustion, I did my usual morning routine.

Once I felt a little bit fresher and more awake I got changed into some gym clothes and headed towards the training room. I knew Nat would be in there, since she usually was at that time, but that didn't deter me. Just being in the same room with her was enough to grant my soul some peace, even if only for a short while.

I'd also managed to get into contact with someone who could come out and fix the rear window on Nat's SUV. Although unlike usual where I'd just let them onto the property with no real security checks other than me just looming over their shoulder the whole time, I followed the compounds protocol to a T, making a record of everything in the process. Being extra safe.

A small change from the former me, but it was a start.

They were scheduled to come later that day.

But in the meantime, I had a workout to do and some calls with charities and homeless outreach programmes to prepare for. It turns out, despite my options being limited, that the places still operating were willing and able to help a lot of people, just with a some willing and able support. So I had plans to speak with them all in more depth about what their usual functionings were and what they thought they could achieve, and then offer them anything I could get my hands on to help with that.