This Was Not the Plan (gxg)

Chapter 30

Numb. That's the only word that could describe how I felt. I couldn't bring myself to care about anything. I was just floating along. At soccer practice I didn't look at anyone, I just stared at the dying grass, wondering if it was actually cold out or if I was just permanently frozen.

Ever since Kendall told me I was nothing to her, I felt like I was stuck in a blizzard. No matter how many jackets I put on, I would never feel warm. It didn't matter if I was bundled up in the warmest blanket and lit on fire, it wasn't enough to melt the ice incapsulating my heart.

I was nothing to her.

All the time I spent earning her trust was wasted. Ruined by the fact I had feelings for her. I should have kept my mouth shut. I should have never told anyone about this. Then, at the very least, I could still be around her. I could look at her without bawling my eyes out.

I wasn't sure how I hadn't run out of tears yet. I couldn't remember the last time I wasn't crying. Maybe a week ago? That's when she had yelled at me after all.

Reagan had been doing her best to keep me distracted and cheer me up. We had spent a weekend watching comedies and eating ice cream. But It didn't stop the tears from pouring out of my eyes.

Nick seemed just as heart broken. We didn't talk but exchanged friendly waves when we passed in the halls. His eyes were always just as red as mine. Seeing him hurt didn't help my emotional state. It only made me want to cry harder. I broke his heart for nothing. And now we were both miserable.

In the class Nick and I shared together, we had moved to opposite sides of the room, giving each other space. Unfortunately for us, our teacher didn't get the memo and partnered us for a class project two weeks after the breakup. We had to do a presentation on the legislature branch of government, due the Monday of thanksgiving week. Our teacher gave us the last few minutes of class to get started on our projects and discuss any plans to work on them outside of class.

Nick sat next to me with an awkward smile.

"Hey," he said.

"Hi," I said, trying to not sound completely pathetic.

At that point, Reagan was used to me constantly having a shaky voice, but Nick and I hadn't spoken since I dumped him.

We sat in uncomfortable silence for a moment. I took an uneasy breath before opening my mouth to speak, "So, I guess we should get started on this."

"Right," he agreed.

More silence. We both glanced around awkwardly, not sure how to interact now that we weren't dating. I missed the way we used to easily talk to each other. But I couldn't expect to have that again. After all, I broke his heart.

"How have you been?" he asked, trying to melt some of the tension.

I nodded my head, "Good."

It was the most obvious lie I had ever told.

"Ronnie," he said with a small laugh, "I can tell you're not okay."

I swallowed as my already tear stained cheeks grew wet again, "It's been a hard couple of weeks." I admitted.

"Same here," he said with a gentle laugh.

"I'm really sorry, Nick." I said shaking my head.

"You really don't need to keep apologizing. You can't help how you feel." He said, reaching out and placing his hand on my shoulder.

I nodded.

"I'm guessing Kendall doesn't feel the same?" he asked.

"Have you not talked to her?" I asked a bit baffled.