i rub my eyes with the balls of my fist, hearing clanking of pans along with laughing and banter.
a weak smile forms on my face when i realize alyssa and iyanna are here also. they didn't have to come, but they did.
i flip my phone over to see a few missed calls from my mom and messages from her and a message hermela sent this morning. i decide to read my mother's first.
mom: jamie please pick up. that's not how i wanted things to go. i let my anger get the best of me but i really wanted to talk with you.
mom: please come back home.
my heart strains in my chest, because she seems to be remorseful and guilty. but then my mind circles back to the fact that her first response to me expressing my anger about her choosing her deadbeat husband over me was to kick me out.
i clear her message from my notification center and scroll down to hermela's text.
hermela: hey jamie how are you this morning?
we didn't really speak much yesterday since i had been working and the events that took place last night. i wonder if she missed me too.
me: hey i'm doing pretty good given the fact that i'm not a morning person
i decide against telling her the harsh details of last night. i don't want to burden her with my problems so early into our friendship, plus she doesn't even know the half of it when it comes to me and my family. i would probably scare her off.
but a better part of me knows that sounds nothing like her.
my phone buzzes in my hand, making me looking down at her new message.
hermela: really? i love waking up early. helps get a nice start to the day
texting hermela during a time like this where she's not aware of all the shit that i'm in makes me feel at peace. when i'm talking to her it, it's almost as if nothing in the world matters. all my problems diminish.
me: it's not all that surprising that ur a morning person
hermela: is that a good thing or a bad thing???
me: it's a good thing i swear
hermela: :)))
a smile breaks out onto my face because of her use of emoticons. she doesn't know how cute she is.
my mind trails back to our day out and somehow i'd forgotten the fact that she reciprocates my feelings. but where does that leave us? are we working towards a relationship or are we still friends but acknowledge the fact that we like each other romantically?
that sounds awful.
i hear a soft knock on the door followed by whispers, "how is she gonna know you're at the door if she's sleeping, stupid." that's definitely alyssa.
"you know i'm so tired of your shit." brandon's manages to speak in a hushed tone.
"both of you need to shut the fuck up." iyanna grumbles.
"well if i was sleeping yall would've woke me up with all that bickering."
the door swings open and alyssa has her hands on her hips with a wide smile, alongside her is iyanna, her arms crossed over her chest and a soft look is etched on her face. brandon who towers behind them, has his hands on both sides of the doorway.
"good morning girl. how you sleep?" alyssa moves toward me before sitting on top of the comforter.
"i slept good. when did yall get here?"
"we came last night when brandon told us you were over here," she pauses, "do i have permission to talk shit about your mom?"
i laugh while shaking my head then motion to her, "go ahead."
"that was some fucked up ass shit she did to you. she needs to learn to communicate like an adult if yall ever want to get somewhere. and over some ain't shit ass nigga? she seriously need to grow the fuck up. and then-"
"okay alyssa, i think she got it, "iyanna chimes in.
alyssa clears her throat and places a gentle hand on my shoulder, "no but really, i'm so sorry you have to go through this. you don't deserve it."
"you can stay here as long as you want. it's no problem whatsoever." brandon says still positioned in the doorway.
a small smile forms on my face due to the many ways that my friends are showing up for me during these hard times. and suddenly i feel terrible for the times that i watched them on social media filled with jealousy. i was isolating myself which led to me believing that they were thriving without me from the carefree nature of their 15 second instagram stories. i believed that life was better for them when i wasn't bringing them down with my problems.
i'm brought to tears after for so long of trying to stop myself from spiraling.
"jamie what's wrong, "alyssa pulls me into hug and begins caressing my hair.
"i'm so fucking stupid." i sob into her chest, "i'm so stupid."
"it's not your fault baby. don't beat yourself up over this, this is your mom's doing."
i break away from the hug, "is it though? it's like everything i'm apart of is bound to get ruined. if my mom is so terrible from her lack of communication, i'm no better. i was going to fuck up our friendship because i was so stuck in my ways."
iyanna sits beside us, "what do you mean jamie?"
i try to catch my breath so i can speak, "i'm a terrible daughter and friend." i bury my face into my hands as tears slip between my fingers.
i haven't cried this much in so long and that might be because of prolonging so many conflicts in my life and constantly pushing down my true emotions. i'm aware that i probably look like a trainwreck and that makes me sob harder.
"jamie look at me, "i hear iyanna say softly and i drag my hands down my face before i look up at her, "you're not stupid, you're not your mother, and you are not terrible in the least bit. your choices don't define you as a person, okay?"
i nod and wipe my nose with the back of my hand, but she continues, "we know you go through a lot so we never blamed you for anything. no matter what we are always here for you, jamie. you can't get rid of us that easy."
alyssa uses her thumb to rid the tear falling down my face, "you gone have to fight us to the death to really get rid of us."
"you can't never be serious, "brandon sighs loudly making me chuckle, "jay we been friends since back in the day man, you know it's never no troubles. i know it's hard to get out of your head sometimes but you got to know that we always here for you. stop letting that shit bottle up and i'm being so serious right now. it don't matter how crazy things get i'm here. we all are."
"right, "alyssa and iyanna say in unison.
and he is right.
i always get so caught up in what i think they feel instead of what i know they've shown me. the three of them have never given me a reason to feel like a burden or like i'm weighing them down, but still somehow i always end up believing it wholeheartedly.
from the very moment i start to feel strongly for people in my life, i immediately start to sabotage it. i'm so stuck in the feeling that i'm unlovable and unworthy. they've shown me time and time again that they love and accept me the full mile.
i am finally deciding to believe them.
"yall mean the world to me."
it's silent for some time because we're all exchanging heartfelt agreements and professions of love.
"now," we all raise our head up to alyssa, "what we really came in here to say was the food is ready."
brandon and iyanna groan, before they start their bickering again and i can't stop the biggest smile from forming on my face.
they're my best friends.
