my mind has been running the same scene of hermela kissing me over and over ever since i left her house last night.
i can't stop thinking about her and her feelings about me and how much fun we had and us kissing and laughing and watching movies all night. i didn't even want to leave when it started getting late but staying the night would've been pushing it.
i try to keep my feelings of embarrassment at bay from the things i said, because there's truly nothing to be embarrassed about-- i had a good time. smoking beforehand might've been the best idea, it helped me let loose and i was able to be myself without overthinking.
sitting in the break room while trying to distract myself from the strong fishy scent coming from a coworker's lunch, i pull my phone out to text hermela.
me: good morning how did you sleep?
i hope she won't think that i'm becoming clingy after our time last night, and i might be, but i'm still managing to not overwhelm her by coming around too much. sometimes it's good to take breaks to avoid this.
i don't know why, but i'm surprised that my phone vibrates in my hand and her name flashes on my screen not long after my message delivered.
hermela: good morning jamie:) i slept good thank u for asking
hermela: and how did u sleep?
me: well since you're asking i slept good too. currently at work right now
hermela: boooo
me: ikr but nobody else is gonna make this money but me
she sends through a few laughing emojis and i envision hermela's own squinting eyes and hearty yet flowery laugh that always makes me smile too hard.
hermela: how do u feel about last night?
the question catches me off guard because i didn't expect her to be so straightforward. i can barely even form a response, and she can probably tell since some time has gone by and i still haven't replied yet.
me: do you mean what we talked about or us hanging out in general?
hermela: well i guess in general but to be more specific how do u feel about us kissing? do u think it was too soon? i'm just trying to see where ur head is at
i wonder if she thinks it was too soon. she seemed to be very adamant about not having sex which is understandable and on a whole other level, but we didn't talk about affection, or anything related to kissing.
i liked how spontaneous the kiss was, however. i never would've thought that when i went over her house last night that i'd know what her lips feel like. nothing could've prepared me and i also don't have a single regret.
me: i'm really glad that we kissed. i didn't think it would happen right now but it felt like the perfect moment. there's no set time just the right time for us
hermela: ur so romantic:)
hermela: it really was the perfect moment i'm glad we feel the same way. i didn't want things to feel too rushed or for u to feel pressured. if u feel a way about something, don't hesitate to let me know, okay?
i smile endearingly at her message for a while taking in the pureness of it all. she wants me to feel safe and she cares about how i feel in our relationship.
i never witnessed healthy communication growing up and was a lot more familiar with tense silence and passive aggressive air. talking about my problems had never been a concern for me because i was used to avoiding it enough to not think about it but leaving room so that everyone around me knew something was wrong.
i'm at a point in my life now where i'm recognizing that that's not the way to have successful relationships in any aspect and was the downfall of my past ones, but i want to be different. in the best way.
me: of course and you've never pressured me i always feel safe around you
before hermela can respond, i hear over the intercom, "jamie head back to the front of the store, thank you."
i roll my eyes and rise from my seat to make my way out of the break room. while i pace through the aisles with my head buried in my phone to catch her message before i have to work, i feel my shoulder brush against someone's.
i turn to apologize for not paying attention then i realize it's nula. nula who i haven't talked to since she last told me she still had feelings for me after i let our old fling resurface.
all of sudden my heart sinks when i'm reminded that hermela and i are beginning to get more serious, and i'll have to let nula down once again. even after i left her on such an uncertain note and was contemplating on trying out a real relationship with her.
i can barely contain the feeling of guilt as i wave with a weak smile, because i know she'll probably see right through anything i say. she always had a knack for that.
"hey nula, how have you been?"
"good and you?" she straightens her body and clears her throat.
okay not off to a good start.
based on body language alone, she doesn't want to hear shit i have to say. while we hadn't confirmed anything during our phone call, i didn't necessarily turn her down either, but i still left her in the dark for weeks. so i can't blame her for not being happy to see me.
still, we aren't anything and we never have been so it's not like i owe an explanation for not seeking her out after for so long. when i tell myself that it still doesn't make me feel any better.
"i'm good too," i pause before i put my phone in my back pocket, "i'm sorry i haven't reached out to you in a while, my life has been kinda crazy lately."
"sure." she purses her lips and looks past me.
for some reason i feel a sense of irritation by her tone even though i know i'm in the wrong, but it's only implied because we've never actually talked things out. she may not even be upset by what i think, but there's clearly something up.
"why'd you say it like that?"
"what you mean? i called you to tell you i still have feelings for you and you never called back or anything. you thought that was it and i just wanted to get it off my chest?" she scoffs, then looks directly at me, making my body go cold, "you only call to have sex with me, i should've never answered you when you did but you just knew i was gonna come."
"you always act like it's my fault that you come back around when you know we're not good for each other. why keep coming back when you know how it ends?"
"really jay? you know why. how many times have i told you at this point. and don't try to point the finger at me because nobody forced you to text me, you knew i was available and weak, but you still did it anyways because you're selfish as fuck. you say anything to get what you want. you didn't change and you didn't learn from anything. and you know what-- don't text or call me again and i mean it."
she turns to walk away, but i grab her shoulder before she can get away, "wait nula, i don't want to end like this. can we at least sit down for real and talk things out after i get off? my shift ends at five can we meet later?"
with her back still turned she shrugs my hand off, "i guess so," then she continues on and disappears around the corner.
i sigh, smoothing my curls back reflecting on the conversation we just had.
i know for certain that i was not right about what i said. it may not have been much but i basically blamed nula for me not communicating with her. i'm not clueless to her self-sabotaging tendencies especially when it comes to us, and yet i still dm'ed her on one desperate night being well aware of our history.
tonight, when we talk things out, i need to tell her as clearly as i can that we don't work and that we need to stop trying to force it to and we can't keep doing this and i can't keep leading her on. because like she said-- it's selfish.
