as i'm getting ready for work and surprisingly not in much of a rush, i hear a text come through.
i reach over and grab my phone after i pull my arm through the sleeve of my shirt. when i flip it over i see that hermela texted me and immediately my heart starts pounding.
ever since we hung out, we haven't spoke much especially with so much going on in my life surrounding my family issues. i don't want to ruin things before they can even get started, so i really need to make the effort to talk to her more or at least let her know that this is a trying time in my life.
hermela: hi jamie, how have you been? it seems like i haven't heard from u in a little
do i want to tell her about how shitty my life is right now? maybe i don't have to give all the details.
me: i've been going through things it's nothing too crazy, but it's been keeping me for the past couple of days.
before i send the message, i wonder what the grounds of our relationship are. i mean if she texts me to ask me how i'm doing, that means she cares about me in some way, so would it be too much to check in with her to tell her that she matters to me and that i'm not pushing her to the side?
or would i make things weird by bringing it up, because she might not even think that's what i'm doing.
i guess it doesn't hurt to be more open and honest about how i feel. so i add onto my message:
i hope it doesn't seem like i don't care about our friendship, that's not the case at all. i can get tunnel vision when things start going wrong in one part of my life but i just want you to know that i want you around
i try not cringe as i press send, because this is good. this is great that i'm choosing to be honest about my feelings. i don't want to be the reason that we don't work because of my negligence so it's better to communicate it than to hope that she just knows.
of course, she answers quick and i open it before the notification disappears.
hermela: i appreciate ur honesty sm. i didn't think u didn't care but i can't lie i was wondering if maybe u regretted telling me how u felt when we hung out
i feel a pang at my chest as i read her message. i enjoy talking to her so much and hanging out with her, so it's painful to think that she feels that way, except it's only from me. the only thing left to do is fix it now that it's been acknowledged.
me: i don't regret it at all if anything i'm glad i said it
me: i still can't believe you feel the same way
i let myself smile hard and feel the happiness of it all. the fact that someone like hermela likes me is so surreal. while i'm trying to keep myself in check so that i don't put her on a pedestal it's hard not to when i think about her as a person and that she thinks i'm worth liking in a romantic way. it almost gives me a little more confidence.
my phone buzzing grabs my attention.
hermela: well it shouldn't come as a surprise that i like u how don't u see how cool u are
hermela: also when is the next time ur free?
she's right-- i do put myself down a lot. i'm a lot better in that aspect than i used to be, but i still have some ways to go when it comes to my self-love journey. it's unfortunate that so early she knows how insecure i really am, but hopefully that changes sometime in the future.
even though we've acknowledged that we like each other, i desperately wonder what she thinks of us going forward. is she just going with the flow or does she want this to go further? although she doesn't seem like the type of person that 'goes with the flow'. i just can't quite figure out if it's too soon, or if now is the best time to say something since it's the beginning.
i might've answered my own question. maybe we can talk more about this during the plans she seem to have.
me: well i have work soon but i get off at 5. did u have an plans for us to hang out?
a thought bubble forms on her side and i decide to wait for her answer instead of clicking out of the app.
hermela: yeaahh:) i was thinking maybe we could have a movie marathon at my house since u haven't seen what the inside looks like
hermela: well i guess we haven't been in either of each other's house
me: i didn't even think about that that's so true, but that sounds like so much fun i'm up for it
we work out the time that would align well with my schedule since i'm working, and then i continue getting ready for the work day.
i have something to get me through my shift today so i have a little more pep in my step.
as i'm about to walk out of my room i hesitate on the doorknob remembering the talk my mom and i had yesterday. while it wasn't as heated as i predicted it could've been, this will be the first time we've talked since so i don't know what to expect when i see her.
i give myself a pep talk beside my door, making a mental note to not be weird which doesn't come very easy to me. hopefully my mom didn't revert back to her old self overnight.
although i'm aware that that wouldn't be impossible given that it hasn't been a full week that we're making the conscious effort to change.
yes i said we, because during our conversation i brought up the fact that even though i hate how she refuses to communicate with me that i developed that trait growing up. a lot of the issues i have with my mother she doesn't even know exist because i never tell her, so we both agreed to be honest always.
maybe i don't have anything to worry about.
i twist the knob and walk out to the kitchen for breakfast to eat on the go. i see my mom at her post in the living room as always and she sees me too.
she uses her finger as a bookmark and sets her glasses down, "hey are you free after work today? the sequel to your favorite movie came out a couple days ago and we haven't had a day to us in a while. i thought maybe it would be nice to hang out."
i warm up with glee at my mother's efforts to build our relationship, but then i remember that i already made plans with hermela.
before i speak, i ponder on if i should let her in on the details of this new girl in my life. i rarely tell her about any of my romantic interests since i've never had a serious relationship.
it might be best to keep that information safe until i feel certain that we're in a good space.
"we could go tomorrow, i sorta have other plans," i grab at a cookie biscuit package.
a part of me thinks i might have ruined what we had going already but she nods with a smile, "okay tomorrow it is, have a good day at work."
"thank you," i try not to show that i'm surprised and then she picks her glasses up to finishing reading.
things are genuinely looking up for me for once, who would have thought.
