there's no fucking way she just said what i think she just said.
"huh?"
"your dad got engaged to one of his coworkers and he happens to be a man."
"so he was having an affair?"
she went silent.
"mom this really isn't something you need to be joking about. i know you and dad have been going through it for the past couple of months-"
"jamie it's been almost a year now. he's been long gone from our relationship. that doesn't mean that you two still can't be close like you were before he moved out. he just wants to live his truth and for you to be in his life."
"so why didn't he tell me this?"
what a coward. he has soon to be ex wife tell his daughter that he left us to go get engaged with a guy from work. that's not something that can just be passed along, but he doesn't think or care about how i feel.
i feel my throat get dry and clammy but i forbid myself from crying. i don't want to care so much that he abandoned us. that we couldn't be enough for him to stay.
i know just as much as the next guy that living a lie is miserable. especially on the sexuality front. but he just couldn't be real with us about it from the start.
it's difficult for me to be happy for him deciding to come out or to hear it via my mother, because when i came out to him and my mom he was the most apprehensive to accepting me. he had the most to say, the most "worries" about my "lifestyle".
it's upsetting because he's a fucking hypocrite and a liar.
"he was too afraid of what you would think and he thought it would be best to hear it from someone other than him since he hasn't been the best father these days."
the legs of my chair scrape against the wood floors as i stand up abruptly and storm into my room.
this has got to me some kind of prank.
my dad has been my rock for most of my life. the times that i hated my mom the most he was there with me to calm me down and bring me back. he taught me so many things from tying my shoelaces to being behind the wheel.
now i don't ever want to see his face again.
i don't want to think about it anymore, because i know if i continue to face the fact that my dad doesn't really care about us, about me, i'm going to lose it.
i stand up and lock my door before i pace over to my backpack that holds my stash of weed.
i used to be an occasional smoker that leeched off of my stoner friends, but these days i lean on it to get me through the day.
being back home i don't smoke as much as i used to compared to when i was in my dorm, only because i know that if my mom found out, she would have that disappointed look on her face. but right now she can give me a fucking break.
with a bud in hand and paper laid out, i get to work on fixing the perfect joint. when i'm done i put a towel under my door and move to open my window.
i smoke out the window by my desk and with each puff, i feel my worries diminish. the fact that i'm going to have to go back to school eventually, i don't really know what i want to do with my life, my dad's fucking another man, i'm too busy for my friends, and now i open up a can of worms with nula.
right now it doesn't matter when my head is in the clouds. it might be temporary, but right now i'm happy.
i put it out before the lit end can burn my fingers and i throw it outside.
my eyes heavy and my head empty, i drag myself to my bed where i flop down on my back. i search my mind for happy thoughts and what comes to the front of my mind is hermela.
strange for only two lousy meetings, but she's on my mind anyways.
i wish i wasn't such a pussy and i could just ask for her number, her instagram, something. if i had her number i wouldn't be forced to only think about her and i would be able to get to know her better.
what is it about her that makes me incapable of human interaction?
she's beautiful, yes, but her aura is so welcoming yet intimidating at the same time that i feel like i'm beneath her. in the physical sense too, she has to be at least 6 feet tall.
next time i see her, i'm going to ask her for her number.
