the next day, oddly enough, iyanna and i are the only ones that don't have anything to do. it's extremely rare that i'm not confined to a register and she doesn't have babies to be taking care of so we're trying to make the most of it but to no avail.
"i'm only now realizing that brandon and alyssa are the ones that come up with all the plans, "i say making iyanna snort.
"we really just be tagging along i guess," she looks around the living room, "we could try and find things to do around the house maybe?"
"like what?"
"i don't know! give me a minute," she rolls her eyes and i can almost see her brain working itself to death.
it dawns on me that i don't really know much about iyanna's personal life outside of the fact that she started working as a babysitter when things at home got really rough for her and alyssa. her mom battled addiction so she was very unreliable when it came to paying for bills or buying necessities like groceries and toiletries.
they moved out a week after iyanna turned 18 since they had been searching for apartments way before then and were only waiting for them to both be of legal age. unfortunately, they had to mature at a very young age so they could survive.
while alyssa is the oldest, iyanna was always the most responsible and reasonable of the two. she has spent a greater part of her life upholding those expectations and always making sure everybody else is okay. i wonder if she is.
and i ask her.
"i'm good, why do you ask?"
"you always holding down the fort and helping everybody else with their shit. i'm just checking in to see how things been with you. anything interesting going on?"
she glances at me, "not really. i mean i mostly been working and it's not really nothing interesting about changing diapers or paw patrol."
i force my laugh down cause i can't truly tell if that's supposed to be funny. iyanna has always had an odd sense of humor, "you not talking to nobody or nothing?"
her cheeks go red and my eyes go wide, "oh my god you're talking to somebody?"
"stop jamie, i'm not." she grumbles.
"you're lying, tell me."
she looks right at me then squints, "you can't tell alyssa about this she will be so pissed at me."
i sit back in my seat and think on if i opened a can of worms i'm not prepared for. it's one thing to be sharing secrets within a friend group, but it's another to be hiding something from her sister and your friend. i don't even want to know anymore.
that's a lie.
"okay i won't."
she hesitates for a little and suddenly her body deflates, "i made a really big mistake and i don't know how i'm going to get out of it. like i seriously messed up."
i'm taken aback by her demeanor.
iyanna has always been put together and knows what to do no matter what. it feels foreign to hear her say she's done something wrong and by the sound of it it's really bad.
"i had sex with the husband of one of the kids i babysit." and it's like a weight is lifted off her shoulders the moment her sentence has hit the air.
"stop playing iyanna."
"i'm not playing."
"you slept with a married man?"
"you're judging me." she says in a defeated tone.
i gather myself, because i want this to be a safe space for her. it's just shocking that iyanna who has iron clad morals is the mistress. this sounds completely made up and out of the blue.
"i'm sorry i'm not judging you, i'm just shocked. when did this first start?"
"last year."
"oh fuck!"
"jamie!"
"i'm sorry! this is just a lot to take in!"
"well how do you think i feel," she sighs loudly and shakes her head, "i regret it so much but i can't take it back now that the deed is done. it was boiling under for a really long time, like the tension was thick. i know i should've stopped working for them the moment things started up but i just didn't. i feel so terrible because the mom works like a dog so she still doesn't know and probably never will until someone comes forward. all we needed was one weekend alone and everything came rushing. one weekend she went away on a business trip and then everything happened."
"is everything still happening?"
"no! i mean after the first time things went on for a few weeks, but the guilt was too much and i cut things off. now we just pretend like nothing ever happened. there are times when the kids and his wife are asleep and we just watch sitcoms in silence until i decide to go home for the day."
i sit with this information for a little while before i decide to speak up, "you have to forgive me for being so shocked about this, but you do realize how crazy this all is right? like you slept with a man that is married and pays you for babysitting the kids they had together."
"i'm very aware of the severity of things. that's why you're the only person i've told this to." she twiddles her thumbs, looking directly down.
"the only person! you know how much pressure that is?"
the mom of the group needing guidance has struck me to my core and she decided to come to me for it?
to be fair i did ask her how she's doing, but i thought maybe she would talk about how work has been or if she's been seeing someone lately. turns out they're connected.
"look i'm the last person that can judge anybody for anything. i'm glad you're talking about this with somebody, but i'm sure you already know what you have to do iyanna. you need to stop working for those people. that is a toxic work environment, and you need to cut all ties with him. but the husband himself needs to bring that to his wife. that's not your responsibility since you're not married to her. but you need to not ever do this again."
"i know," she says shamefully, "i know, i know. you're right about all of that. i wish i never did it, but it felt out of my control."
"he didn't take advantage of you right?" i furrow my eyebrows, my heart thrashing against my chest.
"no! we were both responsible and it wasn't against my will. but i felt so drawn to him like i couldn't get out of it the moment i was in it, like it was my fate to be the other girl."
"don't say that."
"that's how it feels," she trailed off with a shrug.
it goes silent for a little while before she opens her mouth again, "i hope this doesn't make you think of me differently." i look up and her head is hung down.
"of course not iyanna," i speak softly, "like you once told me- everybody makes mistakes, that doesn't mean that's who you are. the fact that you're aware of what you did wrong and have remorse shows that. i know i'm not one to talk but you can come to me for anything. like don't ever think i would turn you away i'm always free for you and for brandon and alyssa. you're my best friends."
her head is still low.
i reach over to touch her shoulder, "okay?"
she looks up, nodding with a small smile on her face, "okay."
