as i sit on the edge of my bed, i go over my talking points before nula arrives since we agreed that she would meet me at my house after work.
the main point that keeps coming up is the fact that when we have talked everything out, she won't be able to come around anymore. we have too much history, a lot of damage has been done, and hermela is in the picture now. i don't want me and nula's mess to mix her in when she never asked for any of it. along with the fact that i want to build a foundation of trust and how i move forward with this situation lays out our future together.
i can't help how guilty i feel that hermela is the most prominent reason for why i've chosen to be mature in this situation. it sucks that i didn't handle things better before her and that not stunting nula's healing process wasn't enough to keep me away.
it shows that i never truly loved her even with the connection i felt when we were in bed together. we've only gotten this far just off lust and infatuation.
my mind traces back to before everything when we used to be good friends that first only saw each other in the hallways and in classes where we'd joke all day. then we eventually started coming over each other's houses to study and i actually knew about what was happening in her life. things were so much different then when we were friends.
she started everything between us when she told me she liked me as more than that. at that time i had enough experiences with girls to know i had an attraction to them and i wasn't opposed to trying things out with her to see where it would go. i knew back then that we were better as friends, but i found myself trying to mirror her feelings into mine and entertaining her because she was always beautiful before eventually it turned into a sex fueled friendship.
i know i could've stopped it too but i'd be wrong to lie about not wanting to let go of what we had even though it wasn't benefiting us in any other ways, bringing us down emotionally and mentally. she liked me the whole time and i didn't think to stop it, of course her feelings developed.
i just hate that i held a part in hurting nula for so long and am only now putting a stop to it.
i hear a knock at my door and i stand up as it pushes open, but i see it's only my mom, a wash of relief coming over me.
"hey were you still up for the movies tonight? it's okay if you're busy." her hand is still rested on the doorknob like she's going to be in and out.
i completely forgot about us going to the movies with everything that's been going on, but that excuse doesn't seem to be doing it anymore.
"i'm off this weekend seriously-- i'm just really tired from work, i'm sorry."
lying most likely is not the best route, but a part of me wants to protect my love life from her for as long as i can. i don't even want to tell her about the bad parts out of fear that she'll insert herself in my business. it's better off this way for right now.
"it's okay i understand," she pulls on the door a little but then it opens back up, "goodnight honey."
"goodnight," i give a lazy smile and she does too before she shuts the door.
i flop down on my bed, sighing heavily dreading tonight's events. this isn't going to be easy, but i want things to be as seamless as they can be, we don't have to end on a bad note.
my phone dings beside me and my heart drops anticipating that nula is near or outside my house right now.
nula: i'm outside
standing up from my spot, i make my way out of my room, hoping that my mom isn't lingering in the living room. when i walk by, the lights are off and there's movement on the floor above.
i open the door to see nula standing with her head hung low, her phone in her hands. she looks up at me and stretches her lips across her face like she wants it to look like a smile but i can see the hurt in her eyes.
"come in," i motion for her to follow me inside, which she does, then i lock the door and trail her steps back into my room.
we sit in silence for a little while and i catch a few glimpses of her looking down at her lap, her foot vibrating against the floor.
i'll have to be the one to break the ice, because i can tell she's tense and if i wait on her to speak first we won't get anywhere.
"i want to say for starters that i apologize for what i said earlier. none of this is your fault, because you were right about me being selfish and texting you in the first place. i shouldn't have barged back into your life after i messed everything up the first time--"
she interrupts, "i'm the reason we even ended up in this. i could've just gotten over my silly little crush on you when you just looked at me when i told you i liked you. i knew you didn't like me in that way but when you kissed me before i left i thought maybe you did feel the same. or at least i wanted you to, because no matter how many times we kissed or had sex it never felt like you were in it like i was. i knew that but i still kept hoping that after a while you would love me the way i loved you but, "she doesn't finish her sentence and i feel a pang at my chest.
"nula it's not your fault. i was aware of what was happening and how you felt about me but i didn't end it. you deserved better than how i treated you, and you should be with someone that's certain about how they feel about you. i did cherish what we had and i liked being around you but i saw how you looked at me and," i pause, "i could've handled things so much differently. i shouldn't have led you on when i didn't reciprocate those feelings back to you and that's the truth of the matter. you're not in the wrong for any of this. i don't want to hurt you anymore. i never wanted to, but this can't go anymore."
it's silent but her shoulders shake.
this conversation should've been had a long time ago to prevent all the damage that's been done. the only way for nula to be healed is for us to be done completely, all ties need to be cut.
"you're right," her voice wobbles.
