FALLING in love

Chapter 24 - Little white lies

Nancy

I'm not in love with him. I can't be. Not anymore.

It's so much more than love. And yet at the same time it's so much less. Yes, I have been in love with Luke always, but it's never been like in the movies where the girl just knows that they're meant to be together, and then the boy realizes that he's also known all along, and then they live happily ever after. It has never ever been like that for me. I have been in love with him so much that I thought my heart would burst and that I would just die from a broken heart. But I've loved him from afar. Never ever even in middle or high school have I been foolish enough to believe that Luke could ever love me back. I was smarter than that. I am smarter than that.

Luke was Mr. Popular in high school, and he was dating Miss Popular. A match so cliché that it leaves you gagging and miserable at the knowledge that you'll never have that. The fairytale. Fucking Vanessa. And before Vanessa he was randomly hanging out with or dating beautiful popular girls who were sometimes a year older than him. I didn't stand a chance, and I knew that. I accepted that.

Then Char started dating Andrew, and I became semi-popular by association. But not enough to date or even talk to Luke Parker. And I accepted that too, content with admiring him at a distance.

And then he was going to another college, and I knew that I would have to get over him. Knowing it would be hard, him being all I ever thought about, I also knew that I could do it because I would hardly ever see him anymore. But then he transferred and somehow, we're now in the same group of friends, which I still can't quite believe. And then the worst thing of all happened. He gave me hope. He gave me a taste of what it was like to know him, even to be with him and have him. Romantically. Sexually.

I achieved the unimaginable. And how the hell am I going to get over him now?!

I tried. I really feel like I tried. But then he claimed me after Valentine's in the locker room, and that shouldn't have happened. God, it really shouldn't, but what could I do? The sexiest man alive wanted me – me! – right then and there, and I wanted him too. How could I ever have said no to him?!

But I have to keep trying. It was a mistake. I have got to get over him. He said it himself; he can't give me what I want and need, and I deserve better. I need to be cleansed of him. Start anew.

Charlotte

I'm not in love with him. I can't be.

I'm just physically attracted to him, but it's not love. If I was single and that type of person – if I was more like Angie, I would just have a one-night stand with him and get him out of my system. Come to think about it, that's what she did. The only reason I'm longing for him like I do is that we never had sex. I don't know what it's like to be with him that way, and so I keep imagining it, fantasizing about it, dreaming about him.

Also, I never had a super-hot Adonis-looking guy being in love with me, and it's hard not to fall for it just a little bit. But I know I'm not in love with him. I can't be.

I'm in love with my boyfriend. With Andrew. Ever since we got together almost three years ago, I've known that he was the boy, the man, that I wanted to grow old with. And furthermore, my parents never miss an opportunity to let me know that they expect us to get married after college. They're already talking about children! In their minds I will never be able to live up to my sister Joanna's perfect life as a cardiac surgeon, but giving them grandkids is the least I can do.

Of course, I want to have kids with Andrew someday, but there's a little voice inside of me that's terrified that they will get his extensive body hair and not yet receding hairline. His dad's got it and his uncle's got it too, and I just know that Andrew will also get it. That same little voice inside me is dying to know if the kids I could get with Nathan would have my curls and his blue eyes.

I push the thoughts away, knowing that I will love the monkey-like bald-headed children that I'm probably gonna get just as much as the fairytale-like beauties that Nathan will eventually get with somebody else.

And because it didn't mean anything, what happened between me and Nathan, I've decided not to tell Andrew. Why tell him something that doesn't mean anything, right? We don't need another thing to fight about, and though I feel bad about keeping things from him, I feel like I'm doing it to help save our relationship.

Luke

I'm not in love with her. I can't be.

I can't let myself fall in love with anyone ever again. But I gotta admit that I care for the girl. Deeply.

I know she loves me. She still loves me after all the times that I've already hurt her, but she asked me to keep away from her. It broke my heart hearing her say that. She thinks her feelings make her weak, but she's so strong. She's a lot stronger than me, and I wish that I could make her see that.

But I gotta at least respect her wishes. I have nothing to offer her or anyone else, and she deserves so much more than being led on by a guy who can never love and marry her or buy her a cute little house like she deserves. That being said, my parents would absolutely adore her. She would fit right into the image my dad has of me taking over his small-town imperium of companies with a cute little wife at my side and a curly haired son to take over the business after me. My dad thinks he's the goddamned king of Forks, and it pisses me off that he takes for granted that I wanna follow in his footprints.

If I was strong like Nancy, I could fight him on it and follow my own path, but I know that I'll probably move back and do exactly what my dad wants me to do. Except for the wife-thing. I refuse to treat anyone like he treats my mom. I refuse to waste anyone's life but my own, and that's why I can't fall in love with Nancy.

I just can't.

Kacie

I'm not in love with him.

But he's convinced that I am. And I have to face the fact that he might think that he's in love with me. Or at least he wants to own me, somehow.

He thinks he's more attractive than he is and that I along with everyone else have the hots for him. He is hot, insanely hot for a man in his thirties, but the fact that he knows it and uses it makes him less attractive to me.

I stick around mainly because the sex is freaking amazing. And because I have a hard time saying no to a man. I'm used to being sexualized by older men and I guess I feel more comfortable being with Dean than someone my own age. I'm not looking for a boyfriend anyway, and men usually don't see me as girlfriend-material. They see my long blonde hair and my curves, and they think I'm fun to be around. I'm not the one you bring home to meet the parents, I'm more the one you wanna have an affair with. And that's fine by me.

I just need to get Dean back into that zone. There's no way I'm meeting his parents. I don't even wanna go on a date with him! I just wanna fool around with him and be free to flirt with the customers.

Angie

I'm not in love with him. I can't be.

I don't even know him. And he sure as hell doesn't know me.

Sure, there's mad chemistry between us, and I think about him more than I care to admit, but that's just because he's insanely hot! And I'm used to getting what I want when I want when it comes to guys and I'm pretty sure I would not be obsessing about him if we just fucked and moved on.

Sure, I've never felt like this with anyone, and I feel like we just get each other, but I feel that way with Kacie and Nate too... not quite in the same way, but still.

Sure, it makes me happy when he sends me random texts about a tattoo or a song or whatever. Yesterday he texted me that he was thinking about me. And nothing else. How am I supposed to not get all weak in the knees from that?!

And sure, he hinted something about his family not exactly being a regular Brady Bunch, but he deserves someone who's not as messed up as I am.

Okay, fuck it! I'm in love with him. This must be what it feels like. I'm totally, utterly in love with him. And I might have been ever since that hang-around where we first met.

Now what?