FALLING in love

Chapter 14 - ... Christmas

Angie

I'm back in Florida already. It feels like I just left. My mom is in the kitchen with Ponytail and they're drinking beer and coffee. This I can live with. I texted Rebecca on my way from the airport, but she hasn't answered yet. I guess she's busy being with her family. Despite my date with Hadrien I'd still like to see her again. We didn't promise each other anything, him and I, and he seemed to take it pretty cool, when I told him about my fling with Rebecca. And she might answer. She might find time to meet up... But this is home, and I learned a long time ago to keep my expectations low.

I was clever enough to bring a pizza back home with me, and we eat peacefully. Kind of. My mom is drunk, but not wasted. Still, halfway through dinner she's sobbing because she almost didn't see me at Thanksgiving.

"Give her a break, Helen," Ponytail says. "Angie is a grown-up woman now. She doesn't have to come home if she doesn't want to. When I was her age the last thing I wanted was to hang out with my parents."

"Thanks," I whisper in his direction, and he winks at me.

I tell them – or mostly him as my mom tends not to listen – about college and my friends. I tell them about sweet, obsessive Nancy, Char that I'm only getting to know now, and Kacie who's cool and fun and trustworthy. I also tell them about Luke who's a sweet idiot that's finally seeing how wonderful Nancy is, and about Nate who could very well become one of my best friends ever. I don't tell them about Char's roommate Claudia and her friends Coco and Chanel that I've been partying with 'cause I don't need to listen to my mom's hypocritical bullshit about not drinking. And I don't tell them about Hadrien 'cause... I don't know what to say. Our date was great and we had a lot of fun. But he didn't kiss me, and I haven't really seen him since. We text a lot, but it never goes anywhere. I don't really know how I feel, much less how to describe those feelings.

"So, is Nate some kind of love interest?" Ponytail asks with a smile on his face.

"No, not at all. At first maybe, but now we're just friends. He's madly in love with Char," I laugh.

"I'm glad you've got some friends."

"Yeah, me too."

My mom doesn't say anything. She gives me a weird look. I learned a long time ago that talking about boys I actually like in front of my mom never ends well, so I quickly change the subject.

"Are you staying for Christmas dinner tomorrow?" I ask and Ponytail shrugs his shoulders. "Are we having Christmas dinner at all, mom?"

"Yes, of course! What kind of a question is that?" she snarls at me.

"A fair one?" I say, but not loud enough for her to hear it.

"Haven't I always provided for you?" Ugh!

"Yes..."

"You think I'm a bad mother, don't you?"

"No, mom, I don't." Here we go. She wants me to say that she's the best mom I could ever want. And tomorrow she's gonna dwell on how her mom was screwing my dad when she was pregnant with me, how my dad out of frustration tried to drown me when I was just a baby and wouldn't stop crying, how everyone in our family is a drunk and an addict, and how she's doing the best she can. It's the same every damned year, and I can't stand it. I don't need another reminder of where I'm from and where I'm gonna end.

No longer willing to listen to her toxic rant I'm excusing myself saying that I'm tired and just want to go to bed. In Seattle I sleep in my panties and a t-shirt – or naked if Nancy's not home. Sleeping naked feels like freedom. Back here I sleep in my pajamas. Just in case someone comes barging in or something happens in the kitchen, and I have to get up quick to help. I shut out my thoughts on what might happen. That the monsters under the bed are real, only they're not under the bed and they're not fictitious monsters. They're men.