Bensler Oneshots

Let it Hurt

"Would you like to talk about it?" Huang asked.

Olivia shrugged. "No. I'm good."

"You're not. Why else would you be here?"

She raised her head, then, looking up at him rather than at the floor. "My captain sent me here because I've been difficult to work with."

"Have you been?"

"I guess. I don't know. It's not my job to just train new people. Why can't I go to work and then go home and be rid of all of it? Maybe I should just quit."

George's eyes widened. "All right. Let's unpack that."

"Fine. I'm pissed off. I don't want to do my job anymore, but I have no other purpose in life. My best friend left without a word, and I wanna run. I want to run and never come back."

"It's natural to be upset," he said after a moment. "You care about Elliot. He was your partner for a very long time."

"I'm fine."

"Are you?"

"Excuse me?"

"You don't have to sit there and let this fester until it eats you up inside. You're allowed to have feelings about it. You can be angry, sad, hurt, whatever you want."

"How can I? What choice do I have but to ignore it? If I tell anyone I'm not okay, they won't know what to do. I'm supposed to be strong, I'm supposed to have it all together. I can't stand watching people try to figure out how to help me when they don't really want to. I'll just end up comforting them, telling them I'm fine after all because it's only polite for them to ask, but you know what? No one actually wants to be there for me. No one can handle me not being okay."

Huang sighed at the detective's words. "I'm sorry that we've made you feel like that. There are many people who would gladly be there for you, Olivia, but you have to let them in."

Olivia swiped angrily at her tears, smudging makeup. "Don't say that. Don't say anything if you don't mean it. I have no strength right now to handle anyone else doing that to me."

"I don't believe Elliot's doing this to hurt you. He might think it's the right decision to protect you."

"Screw him. Screw him and all his damn promises."

"Olivia-"

"He promised! He promised we were partners! For better or worse and that he'd always be there for me."

She sank back into a chair, burying her face in her hands as she tried not to cry. "Why couldn't he just tell me himself?"

"Maybe he didn't know how."

"We're friends, at least I thought we were friends. I wish he would've talked to me. What if I never see him again?"

"You will, Olivia. He cares about you. He won't walk away forever."

"And if he does? What then?"

"Well, in my unprofessional opinion, he's an idiot if he does."

Olivia chuckled, wiping away her tears. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." Huang gave her a sad smile. "You're going to get past this."

"I just spent the last thirteen years thinking we were gonna be partners forever. What if I'm not as good of a cop without him?"

"You're an amazing detective. You and Elliot were quite the dynamic duo, but you are a good cop all on your own. Do you think you can give the new detectives a chance? Maybe give your job a second chance?"

She nodded. "I have been kind of hard on them, haven't I?"

"They might even be afraid of you."

Olivia laughed. "They are not."

"Maybe not, but I imagine they would appreciate working amicably with you. Who knows, perhaps you'll even become friends."

"Maybe."

"Have you tried calling him anymore?" Huang asked.

"If he doesn't want to talk to me, I don't wanna try and force it."

"He does care about you, maybe more than he should've."

"And now I have to pay the price for it?"

"Don't think of it like that."

"What was I doing, getting so close to a married man? I knew it was wrong, and I knew he was never gonna leave her."

"The two of you didn't act on your feelings. You respected his marriage, but unfortunately, the heart doesn't always listen to reason."

"Love sucks."

"Don't think of it like that. You're grateful for the partnership you had with him, aren't you?"

"Of course."

"But do you ever think it was holding you back?"

"What do you mean?"

"Did you ever consider that your feelings for him might have kept you from finding someone else? You've mentioned wanting a family. Do you think your feelings kept you from that?"

"Maybe, but, in the moment, I didn't regret it. I want kids, of course, but I love him, and whatever he had to give me, I was happy with that."

"And now?"

"I think someday I'll be ready to move on."

"That's good. It's progress."

"That day's just not today."

"Baby steps, Olivia."

"Thank you. For this. For talking to me."

Huang nodded. "Of course. I'll expect an update next time I'm back in the city."

"I can live with that."