The Disastrous Union

16

It's still during the night while I'm on the floor.

I am scared to get up, to even move because I might start hyperventilating again.

I hear Rio wake up.

"Missy?" I get up. "What were you doing down there?"

"My phone fell underneath." I say and get back up and go to the bed and stay as far away as possible from him.

"No it didn't, your phone is right there." He says and I look.

"I put it there after I picked it up." I say and he looks at me funny which I see because I turn around.

"While you were lying down?" He says and I agree.

I look at where the phone is and there's no way I could have put it there while laying down.

I just wrap a blanket over myself and sleep but Rio puts the duvet over me.

"You must be cold." I was but I didn't want to admit that.

"Nah." I say and he takes the duvet back and I try not to have a physical reaction to it but I think I do.

He puts it back over me and I try to sleep but I can't.

"Are you not going to sleep?" He asks me and I shake my head. "Why?"

"I can't." I turn the other way only to find that he starting straight at me.

"Why?" He's asking questions I don't really have the answer to.

"You know every time I close my eyes it's like a new nightmare comes to me." I guess I do know the answer. "It's a different memory or flashback every single time. I'm scared, Rio. Really scared."

"Well I'm here." He makes me laugh when he says that.

"Yeah that's really comforting." I say and someone knocks on the door.

It's Indiana.

She's got something in her hand.

It's a blanket.

"Here you go Lei." She says as she hands me it. She knitted it herself. Her voice is shaky and I can see the tears on her face.

"What's wrong?" I ask her as I sit up, patting the space next to me.

She sits down.

"Don't ever leave again." She says as she hugs me tightly.

"Indie, you know I won't." We sit there for a minute or a while because Sawyer comes and gets her and I can hear her sniffle a little.

"You have to tell her." Sawyer says and I get up and open the door.

"Tell me what?" I ask and she looks at me but she's not sad. She's happy. These are hapoy tears.

"I'm pregnant." She says and I scream.

"Oh my god, oh my god. I'm gonna be aunt." I hug her so tightly and then Sawyer. I hug them again and I hear confusion downstairs and Adrian makes his way upstairs to ask if everything is alright.

"Sorry Adrian, I got excited. Everything's fine, i'm fact, everything's perfect. If any of you need blankets they're in the ottoman." He looks cold and he thanks and I can hear the ottoman open and a murmur downstairs.

Rio didn't give them blankets.

Indie, Sawyer and I talk about it before I head back to sleep.

I'm so excited. I get back to bed buzzing but I'm sad again when I realise I have to fall asleep. 

I have no problem falling asleep accidentally but falling asleep on purpose is difficult. It forces me to switch off and I hate switching off.

"You know I'm starting to get a bit impatient." He says and he pulls me close and puts the blanket that Indie made me over me and then puts the duvet over use and rubs my back and I actually start to fall asleep.

***

I wake up at 12 and get off the bed and wash my face and do my skincare.

I haven't been able to do that in forever.

I go downstairs and see the boys still passed out on the couch.

I don't even know why they're still here.

I workout for a long, long time and the shower and get changed to do nothing.

I want to sleep for a while. Again.

I had slept properly for the first time in years last night and I needed that again.

Rio's friends are leaving by the time and I say goodbye to all of them, Indie and Sawyer go out for lunch and Rio and I are left inside the house.

I sit in the sofa and watch TV but I get upset when I see a scene of a wedding on a random show. I still watch it all the way through and watch as the beautiful girl talks about how everything was perfect and how she's glad she didn't spend too much money and still got what she wanted. A dress she loved, a ring she loved and most importantly, the love of her life next to her in everything she does.

I continue watching the show until Rio starts to make his way downstairs so I change the channel to the news.

I still stare at the ring which I never take off because my finger feels empty without it but it's not there to remind me of our love, our life together, our memories because we have none of those things. No love for one another, no life together and no memories. The ring is just a reminder of what reality is truly like. How you can want everything to be perfect and you can plan it out in your head and look forward to the future but nothing, absolutely nothing can live up to your realities. The worst thing about that however is that in my case, my dreams were not that far up, they were not as expensive as my wedding actually was and I'd have been happy.

I don't want to be ungrateful because his family had done so much for me but I wish things had been better.

Most of all, I wish he actually loved me.