Calloused

9

I wasn't sure why they started nor how to cure them. The only thing I knew was that when ever I got stressed, that was when they would hit me the hardest.

I stared off into space, my mind had been cloudy ever since I passed out while H was yelling at me. It only made me feel worse because I knew he would be blaming himself for my reoccurring episodes. Even if it wasn't his fault at all.

They started shortly after we had taken out Vincent's gang. It was also another reason I decided to skip town and dissappear. I had hopped my time away would have fixed my issues. But the reality of it was that they had only gotten worse.

My mother and father decided to step in and get me some professional help since this was something way beyond their control.

"You've been quiet. Is there anything on your mind you'd like to talk about?" Dr. Michael asked, pushing her glasses further up the bridge of her nose. She held an open notebook and pen in her lap.

I had always hated therapy, it was always the same thing.

But I decided to try it once more, not for my sake, but more for my parents.

"I just want them to stop." I sighed, playing with the loose fabric on the pillow I hugged against my chest.

"What do you want to stop?" She asked, attempting to go further into my thought process.

"The.. panic attacks." I said more quietly. She scribbled something in her book before responding.

"When did they start?" She asked.

I hesitated, trying to choose my words very carefully.
"A few years ago. Some bad people were trying to hurt my family and I." I explained. She wasn't a part of this world so I did my best to leave out any incriminating information.

"Did they go to jail? Or were they brought to justice?"

"Both I suppose." I shrugged.

"Are you afraid they're going to try and hurt you or your family again?"

"Yes." I answered honestly. I had been seeing her for a few weeks now. I was slowly opening up and as time went on she gave me tips and tricks to help with my issues. Today was the first time I had mentioned my attacks. It was  ironic since they were the main reason my parents pushed me to see a therapist.

"I want you to try something. When ever you feel like an attack is coming on, I want you to say out loud, 'this is only temporary, not forever. I am okay, and I am in control'. If that doesn't work, I want you to try and take deep breaths in your nose and out of your mouth." I absorbed all of her words and analyzed them in my brain. Once they clicked I nodded my head in understanding.

"Okay." I said quietly.

"Good, now I'm afraid that is all the time we have. I will be back next week for your appointment. Remember to try and stay calm and breathe." She smiled, writing a few things down before getting up. She let herself out of my room and closed the door behind her.

I let out a long sigh, feeling my heart beat a little faster once my door was opened again. H came in and leaned against the door frame with his arms crossed over his chest. I didn't bother to greet him. I just continued to stare out the window from my bed.

We often spent our time together in silence since we didn't want to start another argument or even be in the same room with each other. Since H was still my personal body guard, we silently agreed to keep it professional. My father demanded that he stay close to me because, and I quote;

"He is the best man we have. Nothing against the others but you and I both know what he is capable of Skylar."

I hated when my father was right.

"Are you hungry?" H's raspy voice surprised me. I turned my head slightly so I could see him out of my peripheral vision.

"Not really if I'm being honest." I said quietly. I had never felt any less like myself then I had in that moment. I felt defeated by everything, I was at an all time low.

"It's been two days, you need to eat something." H insisted. I shrugged and turned back to the large window to continue to stare at nothing.

"I'm not hungry " I repeated quietly. I'd be lying to myself if I said I was fine. If anything, I was far from being fine. My mental health issues were slowly taking over my life. I had fought them off for so long, just trying to put them to rest. Now they had woken up to cause me even more hell than I was already living in.

He didn't push me to eat. Instead he went and sat in the chair. I felt his cold eyes watching me, probably waiting for me to snap at him.

But I didn't because I didn't have the energy to. After a half hour I finally cracked.

"If there's something you want to say, say it." I said emotionlessly and turned my gaze to meet his.

Something flashed through his eyes, something I couldn't read.

"What happened to you?" He asked.

"Nothing, I've always been like this. It's just recently things have become much harder to hide from everyone." I admitted.
"And I don't have enough energy to fight anymore." I sighed.

"That's bullshit." He scoffed. My head shot in his direction as a scowl immediately surfaced on my face.

"Excuse me?" I hissed.

"I think it's an excuse for you to stay in bed and avoid the bigger issue outside these walls. Maybe it's all an excuse for us to be stuck with each other 24/7." H glared.

"You know what, fuck you!" I roared, getting out of bed.

"Yeah? Prove me wrong then! What's the real reason you left? Why couldn't you just talk to me instead of leaving me?!" He growled, getting up from his seat. He couldn't have dropped it. Instead he just had to bring it up again.

His words brought out the devil in me. My anger had festered for so long that I couldn't hold it in anymore.

"You really want to know?! You want me to admit that I couldn't stand waking up every morning and looking in the mirror and hating what I saw? I couldn't face myself let alone you, or anyone else involved! And the panic attacks were only getting worse! I couldn't come to you about any of it because I had failed you! You got hurt, because of me! I was supposed to protect you from Vincent! But look where we're at now! Back then, the only way to end it was to either hand myself over to him or put a bullet between his eyes!" I roared with every step I took towards H.

"And each option only put us in more danger! If I chose to hand myself over and die, it would of broken you! I had to leave. Deep down I knew he would eventually follow me! I was prepared to die for fuck sake!" I screamed as the tears I was trying to hold back had started to fall down my cheeks.

"And don't you dare tell me I'm using excuses to avoid the inevitable! I'm fucked up! I've always been fucked up!" I continued to scream at him as I pushed him with my hands. He didn't say or do anything to stop me. He just stood there and took it.

"Why aren't you doing anything!" I sobbed. H grabbed my hands once he had enough. My legs gave out on me but he kept me up by my wrists.

He pulled me to my bed and sat me down. His tall frame towered over me.

"You have every right to hate me." I sniffled, looking down at the ground.
"I'm a fucking monster."

"Look at me." His voice demanded me. I shook my head as I continued to avoid his eyes.

When I didn't move, he moved his finger under my chin and forced my head upwards. His eyes locked with mine.

"I could never hate you." He whispered.