Cherry || b.barnes

37 || A Little Twisted

»Project Invidia?« James gently pushes me back enough to look me in the eyes. There's concern causing wrinkles on his forehead, his dark brows narrowed as his hands grasp me gently around my hips. »I never heard of that.«

Shrugging, I reach for the burgundy napkin below my dirty cutlery and wipe my nose. »Didn't seem much of a big deal for me, either. I found it in some hidden safe in the last of offices between bills for weaponry and failed attempts to the formula of the serum.«

Storm-blue eyes rake over me, trying to figure me out. I can see why he doesn't trust me anymore, but it's a punch into the face nonetheless. I begin to slide down his comfortable lap, but as soon as he registers the movement, I'm held tight in place.

Questioning, my gaze lifts, me taking in the emotions running through the mirrors of his souls through a puffed, teary filter. »Look, Nemesia, I-« He sighs, brings up his left hand to his nose and pitches the middle of it.

A silent moment passes before he is back to securing my presence, which I much prefer. »I don't want to kill you. You can freely and absolutely without any bad conscience take that vow back. Neither do I want you to make me hate you. Yes, I've been immensely angry in the beginning, but I'm beyond that now.« With the next words, his voice grows softer, like the deep notes of a harp that I want to weave in for the rest of my life. »All I do is wanting to understand, if I can. Because it's not like I can just snap my fingers and get rid of those feelings for you.«

»You were pretty snappy earlier, though.« I remind him, biting my lip about that half-humorous, half-serious remark.

Tilting his head slightly, he cocks one of his brows. »As if you had any right to be angry about that. Honestly, rather get used to it, because meaning I want to understand or that I'm out of that enormous rage mood doesn't mean I'm not pissed off.«

»Yeah« I whisper, a deep breath rushing through my lungs while my glance drops to our laps. Pulling my hands back, I fiddle with them in the small space between us.

»Neither do I want to push you to tell me anything. When I saw you in that room, tied to that chair with Wanda reading your mind- Although I was angry, something inside me broke seeing you in that misery. It's terrible if you want to help but you can do nothing else than watch.«

»Then why didn't you go? Why didn't you just leave?« I ask back, searching the truth in his eyes, but they're kind of hard to read concerning the details of a long answer. »You should know by now that I would've wanted that, if that's what you were concerned about. Also, if you were stubborn because you thought having you there would be my greater punishment; that's just stupid. Either way, you should look out for yourself.«

A laugh hiccups through his shoulders, short and once. Licking above his lips, I know he's insecure whether or not giving me his reason.

I'm lucky though, because he doesn't close up in front of me again. Words can't describe how much that means to me, although I'm so unworthy of him. I think my heart never as seen such bright and many colors. »Maybe not yours, but it was my greater punishment. I... I put myself into that danger with you, although Nat warned me repeatedly. Coulson also thought something off, but they weren't sure, nor had they any evidence. I...« he clears his throat, »I watched you fall apart because this is the worst that can happen to me, at this point. Well, among Steve's death.«

»James, no« I mouth, voice shaking as my hands automatically move to cup his cheeks. His skin there still feels like my memory, but the prickle inside is so much more intense. Because James knows now, everything – well, except my exact motives – and he still lets me touch him. I'm the luckiest girl on this planet, and I have done nothing to deserve it. Tears blur my vision again, blur my sight of him and that makes me angry about the fact I'm actually on the verge of crying again. »It hasn't been your fault. Don't put that on yourself. I wrapped them all around my finger because I practiced exactly that for years and years. I'm responsible for this. I made it happen. I caused that you weren't able, that's impossible that anyone could catch me. What's between us... It has nothing to do with that. I mean it. I didn't plan on us to happen, but therefore, I planned this plot for about a decade.«